Informative article and black thoughts

[crowdog66]

For my own reference, but also very informative in general:

Practical Management of Treatment-Resistant Depression

I know the depression is getting really bad when I start Googling "suicide". Today when George was out running errands I found myself thinking that it would be best to just get it over with, but instead I made myself a cup of coffee and did something distracting until he got home. Does that mean I'm not serious? No. I'm deadly serious. But what kind of world is it where dying is just as messy an option as living would be?

All I can seem to do lately is crawl out of bed (very late), spend a bit of time on the internet, do my 30 minutes of exercise (or less), then crawl back into bed.

Everything feels very black, painful, and hopeless right now -- except for brief spasms of hope, which only make the darkness worse when it returns. I'm trying to remember times when I've felt better and trying to keep in mind that I'll feel that way again, but it's almost impossible.

Tonight I'll try the extra dose of Risperdal again and see what happens.

ETA: Another link: Mutant Gene Linked to Treatment-Resistant Depression

ETA II: Another link: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Comments

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

I wonder what the base trigger of this is...? could it really be the medication? doctors may not think so, but your body may say otherwise... *hugs* with the sensitivity your system has it might be worth re-considering.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

When you say "base trigger", do you mean the underlying cause of the depression?

I think it's pretty clear that what I'm going through has at least some chemical component, since both medication and increased exercise have had an effect. It also has a strong behavioral component, since going through DBT training did help.

I think the underlying cause boils down to a very harrowing childhood with a mother who had her own problems with mental illness. I've just been sensitized to stress in general and even to anticipating negativity when no negativity is present.

My psychiatrist and I have discussed talk therapy in the past. Perhaps now that I'm out of the weekly DBT group it might be time to look at something else to take the place of it.

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

mmm... no I meant more medication vs. hormones and interaction with medication which would throw you off balance when you'd been pretty good for awhile..

but yea... maybe an outlet group for you may help.

*HUGS*

do you think interaction with your mother during her present illness is contributing to your increased depression, since your depression is linked to your mother...?

[sammelsadvocate.livejournal.com]

I've often wondered if the medical practice of "throwing more drugs at it" is'n't ultimately more damaging than other combined therapies that are'n't just about "suppression".

Since it does'n't seem like you're seeing a lot of daylight, have you considered getting one of those "daylight" lamps? I know I've been having a lot more energy since I've been on days and seeing more sunshine.

And I was half expecting the Mutant Gene link to be a Marvel comics article. I've been spending too much time thinking comic books.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

I agree that medications are too readily resorted to in many cases. In my own case, though, I do think they're essential -- when I try to go off them, I spiral down into deep suicidal depression quite rapidly. I might be able to do without them in the long term, but the problem would be surviving the short term while I was "coming down" from their effects.

Did you have any particular "combined therapies" in mind? I'm open to any suggestions at this point. :-)

I hadn't thought of a daylight lamp, but it's a good idea. I could pick one up from the Health Sciences Centre store. Maybe I'll price them out when I go to see my psychiatrist this Friday.

[dark-puck.livejournal.com]

*snuggles* You've got my cell number. CALL ME IF YOU NEED TO.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :-) Would you mind resending it to anotheragentsmith at gmail.com? I'm sure I have it somewhere, but damned if I can find it.

I probably won't use it (I'd have to be pretty far gone to start bothering folks in another country!), but it's very comforting to have it on hand.

[dark-puck.livejournal.com]

Done and done. *hugs*

[beckyh2112.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly* I'm here for you. Like Puck, you should have my cellphone if you need to talk.

Not to be a pest, but do you receive other therapy than just the depression medication?

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

As with Puck, would you mind resending it to anotheragentsmith at gmail.com? I know I have it somewhere, but I'd have to dig deeply to find it.

As for other therapies, I was in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/dbt.html) for a couple of years up until 6 or so weeks ago. Given how I'm struggling right now, I've got to get off my toukiss and start looking into other support measures. We have a local Depression and Manic Depression Society that might be able to give me some leads to follow.

[elaryn.livejournal.com]

Guess what *I* got today? *squee-glomp!*

Thank you VERY much! And I am glad you like the knitted cloths I sent you. Actually, they're face-cloths, but please feel free to use them in whatever way you like.

Take care, my dear - sending you many happy thoughts.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Face-clothes! :-) That makes sense. They're just so pretty that I want to show them off, so putting them on the table to rest hot pots on works perfectly.

Glad you liked the little gifties.

[chimera452.livejournal.com]

In addition to what sammelsadvocate had to say about "daylight" lamps, you might also want to consider taking a vitamin D supplement. It's the vitamin D, which our bodies make when exposed to sunlight, that is deficiant during the dark winter months, and which can be a contributing factor in depression. I started taking daily supplements of vitamin D (400 IU) last winter, and my husband and kids have commented on the change in my mood. Apparently, I'm a lot less...um...grouchy now.

Hang in there. I'm here if you need me. Perhaps we can have another girls' night out. I think it would be good for you to get out of the house, and it would be nice for me to do something other than just run errands on my weekly night out. We could dissect another movie and have some good food and conversation.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm. My GP recommended Vitamin D as well. I'm taking a calcium supplement that is Vitamin D enriched, but not as often as I should.

Friday night might work out well for a girls' night out. I'm going to double check with George, but I'm pretty sure that evening is open for me. And yes, the opportunity to get out and about would probably do me a world of good. :-)

I'll give you a call tonight or tomorrow.

[sammelsadvocate.livejournal.com]

Just a suggestion. I saw Pan's Labyrinth which opens tomorrow (Friday) in theaters and really enjoyed it.

Just a warning, it's violent and dark, but it might be cathartic for you Laurie.

[pink-gecco.livejournal.com]

I don't leave messages often but I check in on you and wish you well daily. You mean a lot to many different people. Hugs and healing... T.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :-) Knowing you're there means a lot to me.

[cockatiel-art.livejournal.com]

**Hugz**

I'd definately go with the Daylight lamp, too, even if it's to try it out for a few weeks. I feel better when I'm exposed to daylight in general as my apartment's a dungeon. I have the extra Bonus of having pets that require the extra daylight to form Calcium. A Cheaper version of the Daylight lamp is using a florecent Plant light, but it's not as strong and the UVA component burns out at about 6 months. The good side is that it's relatively inexpensive and 'bird lights' are found almost everywhere on the net ^.^ .

I've done the google search, too. Nicotiene or Hypothermia? Bleed intnernally or suffer frostbite? **Sighs**. Too bad there isn't an 'eat chocolate and die' method. Mmm... death by dark chokkie **Drools**