Informative article and black thoughts

[crowdog66]

For my own reference, but also very informative in general:

Practical Management of Treatment-Resistant Depression

I know the depression is getting really bad when I start Googling "suicide". Today when George was out running errands I found myself thinking that it would be best to just get it over with, but instead I made myself a cup of coffee and did something distracting until he got home. Does that mean I'm not serious? No. I'm deadly serious. But what kind of world is it where dying is just as messy an option as living would be?

All I can seem to do lately is crawl out of bed (very late), spend a bit of time on the internet, do my 30 minutes of exercise (or less), then crawl back into bed.

Everything feels very black, painful, and hopeless right now -- except for brief spasms of hope, which only make the darkness worse when it returns. I'm trying to remember times when I've felt better and trying to keep in mind that I'll feel that way again, but it's almost impossible.

Tonight I'll try the extra dose of Risperdal again and see what happens.

ETA: Another link: Mutant Gene Linked to Treatment-Resistant Depression

ETA II: Another link: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Comments

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

I wonder what the base trigger of this is...? could it really be the medication? doctors may not think so, but your body may say otherwise... *hugs* with the sensitivity your system has it might be worth re-considering.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

When you say "base trigger", do you mean the underlying cause of the depression?

I think it's pretty clear that what I'm going through has at least some chemical component, since both medication and increased exercise have had an effect. It also has a strong behavioral component, since going through DBT training did help.

I think the underlying cause boils down to a very harrowing childhood with a mother who had her own problems with mental illness. I've just been sensitized to stress in general and even to anticipating negativity when no negativity is present.

My psychiatrist and I have discussed talk therapy in the past. Perhaps now that I'm out of the weekly DBT group it might be time to look at something else to take the place of it.

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

mmm... no I meant more medication vs. hormones and interaction with medication which would throw you off balance when you'd been pretty good for awhile..

but yea... maybe an outlet group for you may help.

*HUGS*

do you think interaction with your mother during her present illness is contributing to your increased depression, since your depression is linked to your mother...?