![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I crossposted this from the nopity community... it concerns the aftermath of sexual abuse, so if that squicks you, don't click the link.
I guess I'd better do this now, while I have a moment of clear courage. Don't worry, there's nothing too graphic. This is just sketching out the bare bones.
I have a real problem with sex -- I can't engage in it. I freeze up solid, and the thought of trying fills me with dread.
I'm married, and fairly happily considering my situation, but I have vaginismus (involuntary clamping shut of the muscles of the vagina whenever anything is put inside) and nothing seems to help. That, and when I'm touched in a sexual way, I tend to dissociate, sometimes right out of my body into a grey zone.
My parents divorced when I was 11 (I think; I have very few memories of my life before age 15, and I have trouble putting them into proper order). I can remember visiting my father in BC when I was 16, and having him grab my breast when he was drunk, and once he came to me while I was still in bed and rubbed my back in an overly sensual way... but as for the incident that caused my overall condition of sexual avoidance... no memory, except what my body carries in its inarticulate and relentless way.
I've been told that this is typical for people who've been sexually assaulted at a pre-verbal age, and my mother certainly thinks that my father would have been capable of doing such a thing. Me? I have no evidence, except the dread, except the way my body closes up, except the sense that my sexuality has been cut out with a rusty knife, leaving only a hollow scar.
Please, don't take this wrong... but in some ways, I wish I HAD been assaulted in a way that I could remember. It would give me something to chase down and confront. As it is, all I have are ghosts, and a sense that I'm overreacting, that I'm probably just making it up, that...
I have no more words.
There. That wasn't so bad, was it?
*goes back into lurk mode until I feel less raw*
I guess I'd better do this now, while I have a moment of clear courage. Don't worry, there's nothing too graphic. This is just sketching out the bare bones.
I have a real problem with sex -- I can't engage in it. I freeze up solid, and the thought of trying fills me with dread.
I'm married, and fairly happily considering my situation, but I have vaginismus (involuntary clamping shut of the muscles of the vagina whenever anything is put inside) and nothing seems to help. That, and when I'm touched in a sexual way, I tend to dissociate, sometimes right out of my body into a grey zone.
My parents divorced when I was 11 (I think; I have very few memories of my life before age 15, and I have trouble putting them into proper order). I can remember visiting my father in BC when I was 16, and having him grab my breast when he was drunk, and once he came to me while I was still in bed and rubbed my back in an overly sensual way... but as for the incident that caused my overall condition of sexual avoidance... no memory, except what my body carries in its inarticulate and relentless way.
I've been told that this is typical for people who've been sexually assaulted at a pre-verbal age, and my mother certainly thinks that my father would have been capable of doing such a thing. Me? I have no evidence, except the dread, except the way my body closes up, except the sense that my sexuality has been cut out with a rusty knife, leaving only a hollow scar.
Please, don't take this wrong... but in some ways, I wish I HAD been assaulted in a way that I could remember. It would give me something to chase down and confront. As it is, all I have are ghosts, and a sense that I'm overreacting, that I'm probably just making it up, that...
I have no more words.
There. That wasn't so bad, was it?
*goes back into lurk mode until I feel less raw*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Hugs....
I wasn't sexually abused by my father, but I was emotionally and verbally abused by him. As a result, a lot of my childhood is big black holes and every so often i get a memory flash of something that happened.
You have my support, Laurie. If you ever want to talk just let me know.
i also have a great book called "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman, M.D., that deals with this topic and is excellent. My prof recommended it and i'd be happy to lend it to you sometime.