My story, short version (crossposted from the nopity community)

[crowdog66]

I crossposted this from the  nopity community... it concerns the aftermath of sexual abuse, so if that squicks you, don't click the link.


I guess I'd better do this now, while I have a moment of clear courage. Don't worry, there's nothing too graphic. This is just sketching out the bare bones.

I have a real problem with sex -- I can't engage in it. I freeze up solid, and the thought of trying fills me with dread.

I'm married, and fairly happily considering my situation, but I have vaginismus (involuntary clamping shut of the muscles of the vagina whenever anything is put inside) and nothing seems to help. That, and when I'm touched in a sexual way, I tend to dissociate, sometimes right out of my body into a grey zone.

My parents divorced when I was 11 (I think; I have very few memories of my life before age 15, and I have trouble putting them into proper order). I can remember visiting my father in BC when I was 16, and having him grab my breast when he was drunk, and once he came to me while I was still in bed and rubbed my back in an overly sensual way... but as for the incident that caused my overall condition of sexual avoidance... no memory, except what my body carries in its inarticulate and relentless way.

I've been told that this is typical for people who've been sexually assaulted at a pre-verbal age, and my mother certainly thinks that my father would have been capable of doing such a thing. Me? I have no evidence, except the dread, except the way my body closes up, except the sense that my sexuality has been cut out with a rusty knife, leaving only a hollow scar.

Please, don't take this wrong... but in some ways, I wish I HAD been assaulted in a way that I could remember. It would give me something to chase down and confront. As it is, all I have are ghosts, and a sense that I'm overreacting, that I'm probably just making it up, that...

I have no more words.

There. That wasn't so bad, was it?

*goes back into lurk mode until I feel less raw*

Comments

[matrixrefugee.livejournal.com]

{{Hugs Laurie}}

I understand what you must feel, as it's the very same thing my mother suffers. She barely remembers what happened to her, except for some symbolic dreams and her older sister's recollections of the incident, and she was only 4 when it did happen. What's worse is that her family accuses her of "asking for it". There's something I'd like to say to them about it, but it's too raw for me to quote here, and I wouldn't want to inadvertantly exacerbate your feelings. I just want you to know that I feel an echo of what you feel and that you have my compassion and understanding.

Hugs....

[metisbutterfly.livejournal.com]

That is very common in childhood abuse. Most children and even teens don't remember what happened. It is a defense mechanism.
I wasn't sexually abused by my father, but I was emotionally and verbally abused by him. As a result, a lot of my childhood is big black holes and every so often i get a memory flash of something that happened.
You have my support, Laurie. If you ever want to talk just let me know.
i also have a great book called "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman, M.D., that deals with this topic and is excellent. My prof recommended it and i'd be happy to lend it to you sometime.

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

In some ways, remembering might be worse.

I knew the result, but I did not know the cause. It took courage to share that here and on nopity. Thank you

*BIG HUGS*

Reply Part 1

[lefemme.livejournal.com]

( I have to break this up into 2 posts, because it was too long )

Hi... I was just floating by.

It's late, I'm bored, and I saw I saved your journal to my favorites because I liked your Icon or something.

I guess I have 2 cents to rub together on this subject? If you don't like, feel free to delete.

I just hope you won't take my remarks the wrong way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I suffered MUCH MUCH Worse than you.

I was a victim of sexual molestation by my first step dad from the age of 8 to 13, when he finally died of a massive heart attack and liver failure. I KNOW my mother knew, but turned a blind eye to it, because he was the bread winner, and she made out like a bandit when he died.

I still have a LOT of anger issues with my mother, she's still in denial about the whole thing, and I wonder if I can ever work up the courage to tell her what's REALLY bugging me.

As for my Step father, the bastard is dead! I felt a great sense of relief when he died.

Yes, I suffered for many years with the mental problems associated with this, but I've been working on it. I still have to work on my anger issues toward my mother, but as for any kind of sexual dysfunction, I don't suffer any.

I'll tell you what though, I don't fall within current day norms of being able to speak freely on the subject... you know, like hanging around with the girls over drinks giggling about men's body parts.

I tend to be more discreet in my approaches, and I think it's uncivilized of society of current day to pressure women into thinking it IS normal to talk of such things, and worse, accept inappropriate behavior such as lewd comments and discussion. This is JUST bullshit, and the internet is a breeding ground of people who foster this behavior.

Society has changed so fast because bad people are prevalent on the internet, and hunt like wolves those who would be innocent and try to change them. Once changed, they repeat the vicious cycle of abuse, and many light minded people think it's perfectly okay.

I'm digressing.

Refocusing.

Regardless of your experience, you are obviously traumatized by it. It doesn't matter how severe your experience are, you suffered trauma.

You really should seek help for your problems, but I found that professional help isn't always the best (ergo psychologist).

1) I have found, having great friends who can lend an ear, listen objectively, and have USEFUL input on the subject, ( that is NOT accusational towards you in anyway ) helps a great deal.

2) Another thing that is very helpful is making something of yourself.... Accomplishments! They are Great self esteem builders.

Like what you say? ...well.. it could be as simple as learning something new... maybe like riding a horse, learning to do arts and crafts, go back to school and get a degree... or maybe what I learned to do on my vacation this week. I learned how to shoot a gun.

3) Learning Martial arts, or at least taking some self defense classes always boost confidence levels!

You can walk down the street proud with your head up with newfound confidence! You should give it a try! I'm a Black belt in Kendo ( Japanese Fencing style based on the Katana ). It took me 10 years to get my black belt, and it was worth it!

4) Physical health is akin to mental health. Having good physical health is very important!

5) Group therapy is sometimes helpful ( I hear, but I've never attended for my own problems ).

I actually attended a group therapy with a friend so he had someone to hold his hand and make HIM feel good. Went to Alcohol Anonymous and Drug Anonymous... and let me tell you... When you hear the problems of other people, you begin to think that your problems are all that bad.

6) Accepting your problems and letting go. This is a REAL hard thing to do. It takes years to accomplish, and in the end, NO ONE can do it for you. You have to do it for yourself.

Reply Part 2

[lefemme.livejournal.com]

7) Forgiveness for self loathing. Another really tough thing to do.

8) Spirituality. It doesn't have to be establishment religion, but having belief and faith in something is very important. Without it, there is no structure or order to our lives.

9) Lastly, as a woman, you should find time to take “Me” days away from the hubby, away from the rat race that is your life.

I don’t mean this in an evil way, but it’s really important you find ways to relax.

Here are some suggestions:

* Go to a day spa and get the royal treatment!
Get a massage, a manicure and pedicure, a facial, get your hair done.

If this is just too expensive, you can try the alternative:

* Kick everyone out of your house for a day and treat yourself a hot bath, with wonderful bath salts, with candles lit in a darkened bathroom, maybe some incense burning, or an oil warmer with your favorite scents for aroma therapy.

It’s getting late so I’m going to close here. I hope I’ve been of some help!