crowdog66

Good news or bad news? It depends on how you look at it.

Went to see my psych doc with George yesterday, and expressed to him that with each episode of high suicidality I feel that I am getting closer to actually killing myself. The doctor's response was that I must take responsibility for these feelings and medicate myself with "spot" meds if necessary (he approved a higher spot dosage of Seroquel and Diazepam), as well as getting myself to a hospital or calling a crisis intervention agency. While I KNOW that this is the case, what I really wanted from him was a "magic bullet" that would eliminate these feelings.

The doctor also reaffirmed his earlier statement that at this point, more/different medications is not a route he wants to follow. Instead he wrote me an actual prescription:

Exercise 30-45 minutes daily, 6 days a week.
Aim for target heart rate of 120-130 beats per minute for 20 minutes.

Yes -- drastically increased physical activity, which he suspects will improve my overall mood as well as my physical fitness, weight, and diabetes management. He suggested running, cycling, swimming, or step training as possible methods. *beats head against desk* Gahhhh... that was NOT what I expected to hear, and is a thought that fills me with dread.

On the other hand... at least it's something, and I expected that I might come out of this appointment with nothing at all.

On the OTHER hand... 30-45 minutes a day. High heart rate. George will have to drag me away afterwards, at least initially.

I'm trying to keep positive about this, but boy, is it hard.

Oh -- and today, the LaCie monitor on the G4, our main graphics machine, crapped out completely. I'm now working on a 17-inch monitor with a lower resolution, which gives me a lot less desktop space when working in Photoshop (which has many palettes). It never rains but it pours, lol... used the radical acceptance DBT skill a lot to cope with this unfortunate turn of events. I don't have to like the situation, I just have to accept it.

Tonight, the Witches Meetup get-together at the Second Cup. Tomorrow, DBT and the Full (Crescent?) Moon ritual here at my place. Thursday? Heh. I'll think about that on Wednesday.

Well, I did it -- got out and walked four whole blocks. Wheeeeee. Still, it's better than nothing by far, especially since I hauled home a heavy load of groceries over the last half of my trek.

I stopped for supper at Subway beforehand, where over a tuna sub I started looking through a book called Maytag Meals for Good Health: Low-Calorie Recipes with Meal Plans, by Karen Graham. Truth in advertising indeed: each meal comes in two sizes (large and small), each with calculated calories, carbs, protein, fat, and so forth, as well as life-sized pictures of the large meal options with inset pics of the small meal options so you have an exact idea of what you're getting. The first and second sections, Breakfasts and Lunches, contain dead-simple recipes (beans and toast, pancakes and bacon, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, etc), but they're broken down and presented in a way that's just... I don't know, friendly and easily accessible even to the seriously cooking-challenged like myself.

I came away from the book with a feeling of anticipation and hope. Maybe I can do this, even though sometimes the diet issue seems impossible and plunges me into despair. To put it into perspective, you must consider that for the vast majority of my life I lived as if the four food groups were frozen, canned, take-out, and delivery; I was brought up in a dysfunctional household where everything connected with mealtimes was intensely stressful and unpleasant, so I learned early that cooking was something to be avoided and the kitchen was a no-man's land. It's a bit late in life to change that attitude completely, yet that is exactly what I must somehow do.

I'm afraid. Seriously. Can the old dog really learn so many new tricks?

ETA: Good news on two other fronts. For one thing, the Ritalin on an increased dosage is lessening my appetite (no big surprise there). For another, I can now sit cross-legged on my chair when I'm at the computer painting. Yes, I've lost enough weight that crossing my legs relatively easily is possible for the first time in a couple of years. :-)