tomorrow

[crowdog66]

I'm fighting for my life and losing. Three tranqs, and my mind still keeps vomiting up rotten stinking memories and bottomless hatred. I can't stop the pain. Part of me doesn't want to, because if it goes far enough, I'll have to take the final step.

My doctor might admit me to the hospital tomorrow. I've got to start thinking about what needs to be done, who needs to be informed. Regardless of whether I get admitted or kill myself, there will be people to be called, Yahoo groups to be closed, emails to be sent. My physical possessions will need to be taken care of. Most of them, like furniture, George will take. Some of it, like ritual paraphenalia, should be given over to Tara B. or Holly N. to be properly distributed or destroyed.

How did it come down to this? Everything has collapsed. I have nothing left to give, no hope and no kindness, not even to Emmie or to George. I'm used up. Time to die. Amazing that all that kept me from this for so long was a regimen of pills, and only now that they don't work is this becoming so clear to me

In case I don' t post again -- to everyone who stuck with me, thank you. I imagine part of you, if you're honest, is relieved that you won't have to deal with this anymore. Don't worry -- if I'm admitted to hospital, I won't bother you again when I get out, or at least I'll try to be strong enough not to reach out to you and bother you. You've all been good friends. You deserve better than me in your lives.

I just wish I could stop crying.

Comments

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

When you get out I better be the first person you call. Cuz I'll be coming over and you can't stop me. You know I am always honest, and honestly I wish I could do more for you because I want to keep you my friend.

[matrixrefugee.livejournal.com]

Laurie... even if you have to go into the hospital, remember that I am still here, rooting for you. Maybe you won't have to stay there long; maybe for just a month or two, like a friend of mine did. I'll be waiting for you when you come back, like the Nicole Kidman character in "Cold Mountain", waiting for her beloved to come back to her. I'll take care of the "A.I." fanfiction group, and I'll do what I can to help Ruby maintain the RP group. Just please come back to me... please...

Oh sweetie..

[metisbutterfly.livejournal.com]

I want you to know that you are NEVER bothering us, your friends, when you want to talk. Your thinking is just clouded right now, and i weep for what you are going through.
You are a bright star, Laurie. you might feel that right now your flame has gone out, but somewhere deep inside, you are still "there".
If there is anything i can do, whether it is to visit you in hospital, help George with a car ride to come see you, or come over for tea or to help around your apartment, please, please, please let me know.
You have been a wise friend and Priestess to me, and I want to give back to you.
Blessings, I am lighting the candle i have on the altar for you tonight.
Jill

[metisbutterfly.livejournal.com]

ps..this might sound completely bonkers or like a long shot, but have you had a complete bloodwork taken recently?? Sometimes there is a definate physical cause for depression symptoms or amplification of existing ones. I thought of this because i got some revealing news in a blood test about my health (nothing serious, totally curable) that i'll post in LJ and it was a big relief, answered a lot of questions.
Maybe ask your doc when you see him next.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

((hugs))

Thanks for all your support. You've done everything a friend could be expected to do and more!

I ended up not going into the hospital, although a crisis center does remain an option. I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done. :-)

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

What does one say to a post like this? *wipes another tear from my eye*

I now you would have done a terrific job looking after things while I was gone. If the doctor had seen me yesterday (I'm feeling noticably better today), I would almost certainly have been gone for a few days at least... now, maybe I can hang on without resorting to locking myself away from the world totally.

Thank you for everything you've done...

Re: Oh sweetie..

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

(((hugs)))

I'm sure there have been many nights when the light of that candle you lit has cast some warmth on the darkness I lay in.

Bless you for your kindness! :-) And your words bring me more comfort than you will probably ever know.

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

*hugsback*

I am grateful to you for many things in my life and anything I can do to return to you what you have given to me I will do without second thought.

You are welcome. I am here.