tomorrow

[crowdog66]

I'm fighting for my life and losing. Three tranqs, and my mind still keeps vomiting up rotten stinking memories and bottomless hatred. I can't stop the pain. Part of me doesn't want to, because if it goes far enough, I'll have to take the final step.

My doctor might admit me to the hospital tomorrow. I've got to start thinking about what needs to be done, who needs to be informed. Regardless of whether I get admitted or kill myself, there will be people to be called, Yahoo groups to be closed, emails to be sent. My physical possessions will need to be taken care of. Most of them, like furniture, George will take. Some of it, like ritual paraphenalia, should be given over to Tara B. or Holly N. to be properly distributed or destroyed.

How did it come down to this? Everything has collapsed. I have nothing left to give, no hope and no kindness, not even to Emmie or to George. I'm used up. Time to die. Amazing that all that kept me from this for so long was a regimen of pills, and only now that they don't work is this becoming so clear to me

In case I don' t post again -- to everyone who stuck with me, thank you. I imagine part of you, if you're honest, is relieved that you won't have to deal with this anymore. Don't worry -- if I'm admitted to hospital, I won't bother you again when I get out, or at least I'll try to be strong enough not to reach out to you and bother you. You've all been good friends. You deserve better than me in your lives.

I just wish I could stop crying.

Comments

Oh sweetie..

[metisbutterfly.livejournal.com]

I want you to know that you are NEVER bothering us, your friends, when you want to talk. Your thinking is just clouded right now, and i weep for what you are going through.
You are a bright star, Laurie. you might feel that right now your flame has gone out, but somewhere deep inside, you are still "there".
If there is anything i can do, whether it is to visit you in hospital, help George with a car ride to come see you, or come over for tea or to help around your apartment, please, please, please let me know.
You have been a wise friend and Priestess to me, and I want to give back to you.
Blessings, I am lighting the candle i have on the altar for you tonight.
Jill

Re: Oh sweetie..

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

(((hugs)))

I'm sure there have been many nights when the light of that candle you lit has cast some warmth on the darkness I lay in.

Bless you for your kindness! :-) And your words bring me more comfort than you will probably ever know.