tomorrow

[crowdog66]

I'm fighting for my life and losing. Three tranqs, and my mind still keeps vomiting up rotten stinking memories and bottomless hatred. I can't stop the pain. Part of me doesn't want to, because if it goes far enough, I'll have to take the final step.

My doctor might admit me to the hospital tomorrow. I've got to start thinking about what needs to be done, who needs to be informed. Regardless of whether I get admitted or kill myself, there will be people to be called, Yahoo groups to be closed, emails to be sent. My physical possessions will need to be taken care of. Most of them, like furniture, George will take. Some of it, like ritual paraphenalia, should be given over to Tara B. or Holly N. to be properly distributed or destroyed.

How did it come down to this? Everything has collapsed. I have nothing left to give, no hope and no kindness, not even to Emmie or to George. I'm used up. Time to die. Amazing that all that kept me from this for so long was a regimen of pills, and only now that they don't work is this becoming so clear to me

In case I don' t post again -- to everyone who stuck with me, thank you. I imagine part of you, if you're honest, is relieved that you won't have to deal with this anymore. Don't worry -- if I'm admitted to hospital, I won't bother you again when I get out, or at least I'll try to be strong enough not to reach out to you and bother you. You've all been good friends. You deserve better than me in your lives.

I just wish I could stop crying.

Comments

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

When you get out I better be the first person you call. Cuz I'll be coming over and you can't stop me. You know I am always honest, and honestly I wish I could do more for you because I want to keep you my friend.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

((hugs))

Thanks for all your support. You've done everything a friend could be expected to do and more!

I ended up not going into the hospital, although a crisis center does remain an option. I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done. :-)

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

*hugsback*

I am grateful to you for many things in my life and anything I can do to return to you what you have given to me I will do without second thought.

You are welcome. I am here.