tomorrow

[crowdog66]

I'm fighting for my life and losing. Three tranqs, and my mind still keeps vomiting up rotten stinking memories and bottomless hatred. I can't stop the pain. Part of me doesn't want to, because if it goes far enough, I'll have to take the final step.

My doctor might admit me to the hospital tomorrow. I've got to start thinking about what needs to be done, who needs to be informed. Regardless of whether I get admitted or kill myself, there will be people to be called, Yahoo groups to be closed, emails to be sent. My physical possessions will need to be taken care of. Most of them, like furniture, George will take. Some of it, like ritual paraphenalia, should be given over to Tara B. or Holly N. to be properly distributed or destroyed.

How did it come down to this? Everything has collapsed. I have nothing left to give, no hope and no kindness, not even to Emmie or to George. I'm used up. Time to die. Amazing that all that kept me from this for so long was a regimen of pills, and only now that they don't work is this becoming so clear to me

In case I don' t post again -- to everyone who stuck with me, thank you. I imagine part of you, if you're honest, is relieved that you won't have to deal with this anymore. Don't worry -- if I'm admitted to hospital, I won't bother you again when I get out, or at least I'll try to be strong enough not to reach out to you and bother you. You've all been good friends. You deserve better than me in your lives.

I just wish I could stop crying.

Comments

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

What does one say to a post like this? *wipes another tear from my eye*

I now you would have done a terrific job looking after things while I was gone. If the doctor had seen me yesterday (I'm feeling noticably better today), I would almost certainly have been gone for a few days at least... now, maybe I can hang on without resorting to locking myself away from the world totally.

Thank you for everything you've done...