failure

[crowdog66]

I just can't seem to handle responsibility or complex tasks. I bungled the ritual form this afternoon in a way that no one could have missed (started the wrong invokation, had to backtrack and correct in front of 50 or 60 onlookers), and made several other large basic mistakes of procedure.

People complimented me on the ritual afterwards, but I couldn't, and can't, really believe it. I failed as a priestess. I failed the community to which I had promised a good, or even competant, rite. Everyone else hit their marks, but I fucked it up.

I don't know if I'll be able to go to any public events for a very long time. I don't know if I could bear it. It was everything I could do not to slink off right after the ritual was concluded, and the feeling of shame and sorrow is only getting worse.

Why did I even try?

Comments

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

Because you've done it before, very well infact, and I know you'll do it again in some form.

I had the same day today. Fucked up hugely and I feel awful, however... that's besides the point.

You have to not be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes.

But you are still loved and respected and that's all that matters

*hugs*

<<hugs>>

[metisbutterfly.livejournal.com]

Dearest Crowdog..
Some things i'd like to share with you..
I was taught that when something goes "wrong" in ritual, that in itself is an impossibility, as anything that is meant to happen in ritual will happen. Sometimes it is Murphy's law that this will happen in front of others. When i was a practicing wiccan and high priestess before i returned to the church, i can recall rituals where i forgot vital elements for them, nearly set my robe on fire, went to a ritual site only to see it populated by people having a picnic, and much, much more embarassing things. You could ask some of my former teachers and students LOL.
In my faith(Catholocism) the same truth of ritual gone awry seems to apply. I have seen priests that have been priests for twenty years or more forget where they are in the Mass and have to look it up in the mass book while the congregation waits, altar servers knocking over huge containers of holy water, and the Pope himself (on TV..never had the priviledge to go to Rome yet) bungle at Mass. These things happen dearest one. I know it's an awful feeling, but think of it this way...it was what was meant to happen, as nothing in ritual that happens is ever by accident to my belief. Maybe God/dess, Spirit etc has a lesson for you to learn. These situations can be a learning experience or a tragedy, it's all in how we view them.
I am sure that the other people watching admired you just for getting up there and trying, and hosting, as this is an incredible amount of work and most people know this. You tried because you are a brave woman who wants to serve her community, and no one should ever fault you on that. If they do, turn them into a frog (kidding! just want to make you smile) because if anyone, Pagan, Christian, Jewish, etc can say they have ever gone through every single ritual or prayer in their lives with no mistakes by themselves or someone else, they are either lying or are a living saint!
Hang in there hon. Call me if you need, i'm home tonight.

Just a quick note of support...

[(Anonymous)]

Heya, it's Ruby...
Don't let this get you down too much...religion was never meant to be perfectly performed, and it never will be. Those that DO perform it down to a 'T' are the Ned-Flanders-types who get on everyone's nerves after five seconds, so thank Whoever that you DID prove that you're human!
Heck, I'm a Muslim, which according to nearly everyone outside of fellow Muslims is the most 'perfectly perfomed' religion where nobody screws up and everyone is perfect because of their devotion to Allah...give me a break! I have had clerics who messed up the order of prayers, forgot to perform ablution, and one poor fellow who toppled over when he tried to prostrate himself...twice.
You did not get a negative response from the people who came up to you, and rest assured that they did not see Little Miss Piously Perfect in front of them...they saw a human being devoted to her God and who wanted to share that, and that is what they can relate to and love.
All my best,
Ruby

Holy Hugs from the Matrix Refugee

[(Anonymous)]

((For some utterly unknown reason or other, LiveJournal is shutting me out and refuses to let me log in even though I *KNOW* I'm typing in my password right....))

Hey, I've done embarrassing things in church before, I've prayed the rosary with a group of people and gotten my tongue in knots, I've tripped on the hem of my trenchcoat when I was going up to Communion... Heck, I even *fainted* completely out cold during Mass in a small convent-chapel, where everyone could see me keel over and crash into my then-fiance, nearly knocking *him* over! I remember a priest-friend of mine once talking about saying Mass in Latin and how he'd often end up stumbling over the words so that it ended up sounding like Arabic... Then there was the time at an Easter Sunday Mass when one of the acolytes accidently hit the priest with an incense burner, or the time, at another Mass, when another altar server dropped the Mass book (which, mind you, was almost as big as this altar server!)...

Rest assured that, however imperfect they may seem to you, as long as you offered your rituals with faith and love in your heart and soul, the Higher Power as you know this Being is pleased with your expressions of faith. Everyone who has commented here offering you comfort and reassurrance is undoubtedly the All Mighty's messanger in disguise...

If you need to talk, give me a jab.... I'll be online updating the AIFFOA later tonight...

MR

Re: Holy Hugs from the Matrix Refugee

[metisbutterfly.livejournal.com]

hehehe i liked reading those Catholic bloopers, MR..being RC myself i loved the humor.
Here's one to make you all laugh. We were all at a school mass at my Catholic high school, and all of a sudden over the microphone and loud speakers a radio station kicked in for some wierd reason.(some kind of wiring/frequency problem) and the priest couldn't figure out how to turn it off. Of course, we were all school kids, so you can imagine what broke loose LOL.
When my sister was a little girl, one of her friends got the flu and started to puke right in the aisle when people were going up for communion.
A good friend of mine at high school had our gym teacher walk in on her when she was in the Confessional. Most RC's would argue that that is way worse than being walked in on while in the bathroom..LOL

i have many more that this bandwidth couldn't fit
!!

Re: Holy Hugs from the Matrix Refugee

[(Anonymous)]

Oh man... I've had someone walk in on me when I was going to confession! At this one particular church my mother and I go to often, there's a light over the door to the confessional which is supposed to change from green to red when you kneel down on the kneeler inside... Well, when I was about ten or eleven, I didn't weigh enough to trip the switch in the kneeler, so I'm in the middle of confessing my sins to the priest and all of a sudden the door behind me starts opening. Meanwhile, my mother and two other ladies are calling out to the intruder that there's someone in there, but the intruder was this older woman who must have been hard of hearing, so she starts coming IN!! Fortunately the priest, a kindly French gentleman, politely took charge of the situation and helped me recover from my embarrassment.