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I just can't seem to handle responsibility or complex tasks. I bungled the ritual form this afternoon in a way that no one could have missed (started the wrong invokation, had to backtrack and correct in front of 50 or 60 onlookers), and made several other large basic mistakes of procedure.
People complimented me on the ritual afterwards, but I couldn't, and can't, really believe it. I failed as a priestess. I failed the community to which I had promised a good, or even competant, rite. Everyone else hit their marks, but I fucked it up.
I don't know if I'll be able to go to any public events for a very long time. I don't know if I could bear it. It was everything I could do not to slink off right after the ritual was concluded, and the feeling of shame and sorrow is only getting worse.
Why did I even try?
People complimented me on the ritual afterwards, but I couldn't, and can't, really believe it. I failed as a priestess. I failed the community to which I had promised a good, or even competant, rite. Everyone else hit their marks, but I fucked it up.
I don't know if I'll be able to go to any public events for a very long time. I don't know if I could bear it. It was everything I could do not to slink off right after the ritual was concluded, and the feeling of shame and sorrow is only getting worse.
Why did I even try?
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<<hugs>>
Some things i'd like to share with you..
I was taught that when something goes "wrong" in ritual, that in itself is an impossibility, as anything that is meant to happen in ritual will happen. Sometimes it is Murphy's law that this will happen in front of others. When i was a practicing wiccan and high priestess before i returned to the church, i can recall rituals where i forgot vital elements for them, nearly set my robe on fire, went to a ritual site only to see it populated by people having a picnic, and much, much more embarassing things. You could ask some of my former teachers and students LOL.
In my faith(Catholocism) the same truth of ritual gone awry seems to apply. I have seen priests that have been priests for twenty years or more forget where they are in the Mass and have to look it up in the mass book while the congregation waits, altar servers knocking over huge containers of holy water, and the Pope himself (on TV..never had the priviledge to go to Rome yet) bungle at Mass. These things happen dearest one. I know it's an awful feeling, but think of it this way...it was what was meant to happen, as nothing in ritual that happens is ever by accident to my belief. Maybe God/dess, Spirit etc has a lesson for you to learn. These situations can be a learning experience or a tragedy, it's all in how we view them.
I am sure that the other people watching admired you just for getting up there and trying, and hosting, as this is an incredible amount of work and most people know this. You tried because you are a brave woman who wants to serve her community, and no one should ever fault you on that. If they do, turn them into a frog (kidding! just want to make you smile) because if anyone, Pagan, Christian, Jewish, etc can say they have ever gone through every single ritual or prayer in their lives with no mistakes by themselves or someone else, they are either lying or are a living saint!
Hang in there hon. Call me if you need, i'm home tonight.