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I just can't seem to handle responsibility or complex tasks. I bungled the ritual form this afternoon in a way that no one could have missed (started the wrong invokation, had to backtrack and correct in front of 50 or 60 onlookers), and made several other large basic mistakes of procedure.
People complimented me on the ritual afterwards, but I couldn't, and can't, really believe it. I failed as a priestess. I failed the community to which I had promised a good, or even competant, rite. Everyone else hit their marks, but I fucked it up.
I don't know if I'll be able to go to any public events for a very long time. I don't know if I could bear it. It was everything I could do not to slink off right after the ritual was concluded, and the feeling of shame and sorrow is only getting worse.
Why did I even try?
People complimented me on the ritual afterwards, but I couldn't, and can't, really believe it. I failed as a priestess. I failed the community to which I had promised a good, or even competant, rite. Everyone else hit their marks, but I fucked it up.
I don't know if I'll be able to go to any public events for a very long time. I don't know if I could bear it. It was everything I could do not to slink off right after the ritual was concluded, and the feeling of shame and sorrow is only getting worse.
Why did I even try?
Just a quick note of support...
Don't let this get you down too much...religion was never meant to be perfectly performed, and it never will be. Those that DO perform it down to a 'T' are the Ned-Flanders-types who get on everyone's nerves after five seconds, so thank Whoever that you DID prove that you're human!
Heck, I'm a Muslim, which according to nearly everyone outside of fellow Muslims is the most 'perfectly perfomed' religion where nobody screws up and everyone is perfect because of their devotion to Allah...give me a break! I have had clerics who messed up the order of prayers, forgot to perform ablution, and one poor fellow who toppled over when he tried to prostrate himself...twice.
You did not get a negative response from the people who came up to you, and rest assured that they did not see Little Miss Piously Perfect in front of them...they saw a human being devoted to her God and who wanted to share that, and that is what they can relate to and love.
All my best,
Ruby