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Good news or bad news? It depends on how you look at it.
Went to see my psych doc with George yesterday, and expressed to him that with each episode of high suicidality I feel that I am getting closer to actually killing myself. The doctor's response was that I must take responsibility for these feelings and medicate myself with "spot" meds if necessary (he approved a higher spot dosage of Seroquel and Diazepam), as well as getting myself to a hospital or calling a crisis intervention agency. While I KNOW that this is the case, what I really wanted from him was a "magic bullet" that would eliminate these feelings.
The doctor also reaffirmed his earlier statement that at this point, more/different medications is not a route he wants to follow. Instead he wrote me an actual prescription:
Exercise 30-45 minutes daily, 6 days a week.
Aim for target heart rate of 120-130 beats per minute for 20 minutes.
Yes -- drastically increased physical activity, which he suspects will improve my overall mood as well as my physical fitness, weight, and diabetes management. He suggested running, cycling, swimming, or step training as possible methods. *beats head against desk* Gahhhh... that was NOT what I expected to hear, and is a thought that fills me with dread.
On the other hand... at least it's something, and I expected that I might come out of this appointment with nothing at all.
On the OTHER hand... 30-45 minutes a day. High heart rate. George will have to drag me away afterwards, at least initially.
I'm trying to keep positive about this, but boy, is it hard.
Oh -- and today, the LaCie monitor on the G4, our main graphics machine, crapped out completely. I'm now working on a 17-inch monitor with a lower resolution, which gives me a lot less desktop space when working in Photoshop (which has many palettes). It never rains but it pours, lol... used the radical acceptance DBT skill a lot to cope with this unfortunate turn of events. I don't have to like the situation, I just have to accept it.
Tonight, the Witches Meetup get-together at the Second Cup. Tomorrow, DBT and the Full (Crescent?) Moon ritual here at my place. Thursday? Heh. I'll think about that on Wednesday.
Went to see my psych doc with George yesterday, and expressed to him that with each episode of high suicidality I feel that I am getting closer to actually killing myself. The doctor's response was that I must take responsibility for these feelings and medicate myself with "spot" meds if necessary (he approved a higher spot dosage of Seroquel and Diazepam), as well as getting myself to a hospital or calling a crisis intervention agency. While I KNOW that this is the case, what I really wanted from him was a "magic bullet" that would eliminate these feelings.
The doctor also reaffirmed his earlier statement that at this point, more/different medications is not a route he wants to follow. Instead he wrote me an actual prescription:
Exercise 30-45 minutes daily, 6 days a week.
Aim for target heart rate of 120-130 beats per minute for 20 minutes.
Yes -- drastically increased physical activity, which he suspects will improve my overall mood as well as my physical fitness, weight, and diabetes management. He suggested running, cycling, swimming, or step training as possible methods. *beats head against desk* Gahhhh... that was NOT what I expected to hear, and is a thought that fills me with dread.
On the other hand... at least it's something, and I expected that I might come out of this appointment with nothing at all.
On the OTHER hand... 30-45 minutes a day. High heart rate. George will have to drag me away afterwards, at least initially.
I'm trying to keep positive about this, but boy, is it hard.
Oh -- and today, the LaCie monitor on the G4, our main graphics machine, crapped out completely. I'm now working on a 17-inch monitor with a lower resolution, which gives me a lot less desktop space when working in Photoshop (which has many palettes). It never rains but it pours, lol... used the radical acceptance DBT skill a lot to cope with this unfortunate turn of events. I don't have to like the situation, I just have to accept it.
Tonight, the Witches Meetup get-together at the Second Cup. Tomorrow, DBT and the Full (Crescent?) Moon ritual here at my place. Thursday? Heh. I'll think about that on Wednesday.
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I should be excercising more, but I'm too fekking lazy. **Sighs**