Internal update

[crowdog66]

I went to see my psychiatrist today for the first time since my mom's death, and all I had to report is that I'm feeling very numb. He assured me that for some people this is normal -- a protective mechanism -- but could offer me no comfort or advice on what to do when the shit eventually hits the fan.

Corey, I did receive your post regarding your offer of company/activity on Monday, Tuesday, or today, and I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I just seem to be having a real problem concentrating, keeping on track, and getting things done, including personal correspondence. It's just as well -- I'm not very good company at the moment.

I'm trying to work on HB, but it's very hard going. Funny books just don't seem that important.

There's a big empty hole in my life where my mother used to be and I'm terrified of what's going to happen when I eventually get around to feeling it in its entirety.

Tomorrow we'll go and pick up her ashes, assuming I can get out of bed before mid-afternoon.

Comments

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

If you don't have to pick up her ashes tomorrow then don't. Cozy up with a book and some tea (perhaps iced) when you aren't painting. *hugs* This thing in life is at least one thing that you could never hope to control.. so don't feel like you are a bad person for it having happened *more hugs*

gecco ramblings - take 'em or leave 'em

[pink-gecco.livejournal.com]

When I was going through everything you are going through I was told to "lean into the pain". It's ok to acknowledge and feel it. You don't have to "be strong" and pretend it's not happening. Lean into the pain, just make sure you share with your friends as much as you possibly can. We will be strong for you, because sometimes you simply must just fall apart for a little while. When the shit hits the fan, let us be your umbrella. Every person who reads your posts and calls you friend does this gladly.

And after I had fallen apart for a little while, I watched "The Big Lewbowski" and found another little nugget of wisdom. "The Dude abides." It told me that even after the shit had hit the fan, and I had leaned into the pain for a while, it was ok that there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it or to change it. It's just something that was, but could at least be endured. My pain is still there, I have simply learned to surf above it.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you yesterday, but I'm getting over a nasty flu and didn't think sharing my germs would be helpful. But you and George have been constantly in my heart and mind.

Re: gecco ramblings - take 'em or leave 'em

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

"Lean into the pain" is good advice. :-) It's what we were taught to do in DBT training.

Unfortunately, at the moment I don't seem to be feeling any. Therefore, there is nothing to get a grip on.

It is very frustrating.

[sammelsadvocate.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about it. Do let me know if you need to get out for a bit. Just send me an e-mail.

I have evenings free after 5