Bugger

[crowdog66]

It looks like GAFF is down. Either that, or it's an attempt to harvest passwords.

We'll see.

ETA: GAFF is back up. Confetti and noisemakers for everybody.

Meh. I'm exhausted. Off to take a hot bath, then possibly to bed. Suddenly I feel like I just can't handle life...

ETA: The fact of the matter is, DBT was a bitch today. The session dealt with interpersonal effectiveness, and just drove home to me how fucking many SKILLS we need to learn and use to create a life that's worth living... because frankly, a lot of the time I feel like my life is not. One of the analogies trotted out was that of the batter in the batting cage, where regardless of whether or not you swing that bat, the balls just keep coming. The counsellors called it the choice of to swing or not to swing. And I thought, "What about the choice to just drop the bat and walk right out of the cage?"

I'm so tired of repetitive suicidality. Especially when it alternates on the split-second with feelings of being healthy and able to cope. The result is a really miserable form of mental whiplash.

ETA II: One tranquillizer, down the hatch. Tuning into Radio Zero-One -- a station I highly recommend, because he_dreams_awake has some interesting and profound things to say along with some kick-ass music -- until the medication kicks in.

I wish I didn't feel so damned useless, but it's probably entirely my own fault.

Comments

[madra-liath.livejournal.com]

I was on the board when it went down, which was about twenty minutes ago. The message I got was that it would prob. be back up in half an hour, so I'm gonna give it another ten minutes and try again. I have a reply all typed up in Word to the "Who Needs Math?" thread, so I hope it comes back up soon.

[madra-liath.livejournal.com]

PS:
Suddenly I feel like I just can't handle life...
Yeah. I had a bad moment like that this evening. Kind've a last straw thing, you know? Hope the hot bath helps.

[matrixrefugee.livejournal.com]

I wish I didn't feel so damned useless, but it's probably entirely my own fault.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!111111 None of this is your fault. Geez, woman, will you do yourself and all of us a favor and find something else to beat up on besides yourself? Get yourself a good punching bag and clobber that, even if you have to go through a bag a month and you have to invest in Everlast punching bag stock.

[matrixrefugee.livejournal.com]

Aaaand I think Constantine might have decided to borrow my hands for the monent there, since that sounded more like him. Sorry about that! He's helped me through some tense moments of my own, though granted, he's never the hold-your-hand-and-comfort-you sort.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Hint taken. Shutting up now.

[madra-liath.livejournal.com]

Shutting up now.

I don't think matrixrefugee meant you should shut up, crowdog. It's just that you shouldn't beat yourself up over things which, let's face it, you're not entirely in control of. We all fail, we all slide backwards now and then. It doesn't make you worthless.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

You're right. I'm just not in a very reasonable place right now, and it's hard to keep focussed on the rational as opposed to the irrational.

Thanks for the words of support.

[matrixrefugee.livejournal.com]

God...

I must have sounded like an utter bitch when I made that comment. I'm sorry I said what I did. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. I'd be devastated if you did and I'd blame myself for it forever...

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

I'm still here, and I haven't hurt myself, although it's been very tempting. Life in general just sucks right now, but I've been through patches like this before and come out will probably come out of this one too.

And no, you had a valid point. I should know by now that I whine too much and that expressing my innermost feelings is generally both useless and pointless. I'm not sure yet whether or not to keep this LJ going or just switch it to a "hearts and flowers" mode, but I'll decide that when I'm in a more rational frame of mind.

[matrixrefugee.livejournal.com]

:: Pets:: Wait till you're in a better frame of mind before you make that decision. I'd miss you on here if you deleted this LJ, but I don't want you to go into "hearts and flowers" mode, because you probably wouldn't be true to yourself if you did that.

...And certain Exiles in my headspace would snark at it.

[cockatiel-art.livejournal.com]

**Takes the bat from crow-joe, then whaps the ^%$# depression over the head until it dies When done, hands Crowdog some hot tea, chokkie, and a balnkie and sends her off to rest**

**Continues whacking depression into submission if it tries to sneak up on the crow-lady**

MMmmm.... chocolate covered baseball bats ....