Reaching the limit

[crowdog66]

I lost it a few minutes ago, just a little. George, still sick, was asleep in the next room. I took a boxcutter to my left wrist and left a five inch long bloody slice about half an inch to the left of the major vein. I made a second, shallower cut a little closer to the vein, then stopped. I still don't know why. Then another part of my brain kicked in and I went to the bathroom and swallowed a tranquillizer.

Then I ordered in fried chicken. *laughs bitterly* Fucking strange, how the mind works at times like this.

I should have just kept going. This is the first time I've physically cut in a very long time, and the first time I've drawn blood in far longer. And I'll have to face George when he gets up. I'm so tired of living, yet here I am, waiting for chicken.

Why? I don't want this coming year. I don't want the rest of my life. If I could give it to someone else, I would. More than anything I wish I could have given it to George's brother Bill, who died of cancer a couple of years ago. He had two sons, a great life; he deserved to live.

But I'm a coward, and part of me keeps clinging to some shred of tenacious hope. So: I'll pay the delivery man when he gets here, and go back to painting Hardy Boys, and maybe I'll go wake George up and talk to him, and maybe I won't.

Tonight could have been the last night of my life. But if I killed myself, what would George do? My accounts, which hold most of our money, would probably be frozen. He'd be destitute.

Nothing makes sense anymore. Life is chaos and confusion, and I feel like I've hit rock bottom.

Comments

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

Oh hon, come online to talk if you want, for awhile...

Call crisis centre? you may feel embarrassed, or like it's not worth the time, but with that I think it just may be.. *big big hugs if you want them*

[metisbutterfly.livejournal.com]

Laurie...please, please, please call the crisis line or wake up George and have him take you to emerg if you don't feel any better soon. Please look after yourself..there are lots of people that love and care about you.

[beckyh2112.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I never know what to say when this happens, so all I can do is remind you that I am praying for you and that I love you. Here's to hoping that this next year gets better.

[matrixrefugee.livejournal.com]

Call the crisis center. Now. I've sent emails to the Samaritans when I've felt like I'm at the end of my rope, and it helped me immensely. There is no shame in doing something to help yourself. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for me, so I won't be sitting here worrying myself sick over you. And yes, you are worth worrying over: get those thoughts out of your head even if you have to scream out loud at them, "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HEAD, YOU FUCKIN' EVIL THOUGHT-PROCESSES!!!!1111111"

Yes, I'm angry, but it's because I care about you. That's the way my emotions work: lots of them tend to come out looking like anger.

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

Laurie.

Don't.

I'm asking you not to. Call the crisis center, wake up George, whatever. Do whatever you have to do, but NOT THAT.

None of us want you to go. So please don't.

- Trish K.

[flamingchords.livejournal.com]

Please. don't do it -- get whatever help you need if you can stay here, with us. However gray the world looks right now, it won't stay that way, as much as you may not believe that right now.

You just need to wait out the gray times you are in to see the brighter times ahead. And you deserve to see them. Don't cheat yourself out of them.

[cockatiel-art.livejournal.com]

**Sits next to Laurie and growls at the bad meanie cut thoughts, then takes the knife and tears it up like a dog tossing a rabbit**

We're here, hun. I keep saying it, but Damn it... were here. And damn it.. who am I gonna give your xmas prezzie to if you're not here? **hugs again, the gently pokes the crow-gal**

[ravyne-hawke.livejournal.com]

*huge hugs* I had to force myself to throw down the tiny utility knife I use to cut up magazines for collages yesterday. It was too tempting. I understand soooo well how you feel, Laurie :) Death would be so much easier than all this pain. Thank the gods you have George and I have my hubby. Do the docs still think they have no further treatments they can try for you? I am always here if you need to talk :)

[elaryn.livejournal.com]

Coming in late, as usual, but I'd like to add my voice to those who have expressed love and concern for you. Please stay with us. Please hang on. You deserve to live, too. I would miss you, and others would miss you even more than I.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope and pray that this darkness lifts from you soon.

::big hugs::

[crazyitperson.livejournal.com]

Oh my God no.

Don't go back through that path again. We all love you too much for that.

You're not a coward for deciding to want to live.

Just... stay calm. Take a deep breath and relax. We're here for you.

[he-dreams-awake.livejournal.com]

But I'm a coward, and part of me keeps clinging to some shred of tenacious hope


No. You are NOT a goddamn coward. You keep asking "Why", why do you want to live, why are you sitting there "waiting for chicken"... you are a beautiful, wonderful, talented, shining person even though I KNOW you can't see it right now. I've been where you are -- and you KNOW I don't lie, and don't bullshit. Fuck, I, after years of being all right, went there during the whole Selina debacle this summer. Please, please call us. IM me. Come on AIM or something. 214 991 5702. I have something I REALLY want to say to you.

And George isn't going to condemn you, Laurie. He loves you. Love isn't... well, you know. Please believe me when I say it. I know you've been busy, and everything, and we haven't talked as much lately... but I've told you a HUNDRED times that you are one of the people that means the most to me EVER. I have NO reason to butter you up or bullshit you -- why would I? I never, ever would. So via logic, it means I'm telling the truth. I'd do anything to help you feel better. Anything.

You say, "Here I am, waiting for chicken". That means you WANT to live. Take it from someone who's been there, and understands. When you worry about being hungry, or working, it is NOT because you're a coward. It's because a part of you that knows better is carrying on through.


Fuck this. I'm going to write you a song. I've been meaning to for ages.


*hugs* Hang in there. And call us. Please.