Into the black... but still with gaze fixed ahead

[crowdog66]

Ah, fuck me... another downward surge of mood... and I actually had a couple of good hours this afternoon, out with George for coffee and a bit of shopping, and another couple of good hours in RP earlier this evening. The monthly bleeding has commenced (all together now: "Yay.") and I'm cramping like a bitch, including a pounding headache. Girl Genius is grinding itself out of me, but it's a bloody hard go. Right now I just feel like turning off all the lights in the world and lying down in a dark place forever.

However -- I also got a note in my email today from the Winnipeg Witches Meetup Group reminding me that I'm running a Full Moon ceremony in one week's time. *beats head against the nearest hard flat surface* Well, I'll do it, one way or the other... hopefully by then the depression will have lifted. It better have. I've got an event to coordinate for 10 other people, including a lot of newbies are counting on me to give them their first real taste of ritual!

Why do I do this? Because in spite of everything, the desire to live and innovate is just too damned strong. I just wish I didn't feel in so many pieces right now. It makes it very hard to believe that I will succeed, even though, as they say, "hope springs eternal".

Had a talk with someone I care about in AIM. They tried to help me out, even after I put my foot in my mouth in a big fat way. This is killing me. Usually I'm so good with words, but lately I just can't say anything right; I, usually a veritable font of advice, have run dry. I slunk away like a coward because the thought of typing even one more word just killed me. I felt so raw... I still feel so raw. :-( I'm not suicidal anymore, but in a way this is worse: at least when I was suicidal, I had a hope of this terrible internal state ending.

Torn between two impulses, and feeling like a fool... *slaps self upside the head, hoping to clear it a little*

Comments

[matrixrefugee.livejournal.com]

It must be in the air: I was feeling lousy last night, too, and in my case, I had to bag groceries on a night when everyone seemed to be doing a month's shopping at once. At one point, I looked up the lane to see three people in line, each with a shopping cart *FULL* to overflowing. I nearly fainted at the sight. ....Add to this, three of the teenaged cashiers bugged me to fill in for them next week, two of them asking me to work on nights I was already working. I'm a bagger, not a cashier: cash registers and I get along like water and electricity.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

I just sent the menstrual faerie in aislingfae's direction... do you need a visit as well? ;-)

In any case, yeah, I know what it's like to feel lousy... hope you do feel better soon!

[matrixrefugee.livejournal.com]

I'm actually doing a lot better tonight; I guess you sent some positive energy my way without my asking it. Thanks!