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Ah, fuck me... another downward surge of mood... and I actually had a couple of good hours this afternoon, out with George for coffee and a bit of shopping, and another couple of good hours in RP earlier this evening. The monthly bleeding has commenced (all together now: "Yay.") and I'm cramping like a bitch, including a pounding headache. Girl Genius is grinding itself out of me, but it's a bloody hard go. Right now I just feel like turning off all the lights in the world and lying down in a dark place forever.
However -- I also got a note in my email today from the Winnipeg Witches Meetup Group reminding me that I'm running a Full Moon ceremony in one week's time. *beats head against the nearest hard flat surface* Well, I'll do it, one way or the other... hopefully by then the depression will have lifted. It better have. I've got an event to coordinate for 10 other people, including a lot of newbies are counting on me to give them their first real taste of ritual!
Why do I do this? Because in spite of everything, the desire to live and innovate is just too damned strong. I just wish I didn't feel in so many pieces right now. It makes it very hard to believe that I will succeed, even though, as they say, "hope springs eternal".
Had a talk with someone I care about in AIM. They tried to help me out, even after I put my foot in my mouth in a big fat way. This is killing me. Usually I'm so good with words, but lately I just can't say anything right; I, usually a veritable font of advice, have run dry. I slunk away like a coward because the thought of typing even one more word just killed me. I felt so raw... I still feel so raw. :-( I'm not suicidal anymore, but in a way this is worse: at least when I was suicidal, I had a hope of this terrible internal state ending.
Torn between two impulses, and feeling like a fool... *slaps self upside the head, hoping to clear it a little*
However -- I also got a note in my email today from the Winnipeg Witches Meetup Group reminding me that I'm running a Full Moon ceremony in one week's time. *beats head against the nearest hard flat surface* Well, I'll do it, one way or the other... hopefully by then the depression will have lifted. It better have. I've got an event to coordinate for 10 other people, including a lot of newbies are counting on me to give them their first real taste of ritual!
Why do I do this? Because in spite of everything, the desire to live and innovate is just too damned strong. I just wish I didn't feel in so many pieces right now. It makes it very hard to believe that I will succeed, even though, as they say, "hope springs eternal".
Had a talk with someone I care about in AIM. They tried to help me out, even after I put my foot in my mouth in a big fat way. This is killing me. Usually I'm so good with words, but lately I just can't say anything right; I, usually a veritable font of advice, have run dry. I slunk away like a coward because the thought of typing even one more word just killed me. I felt so raw... I still feel so raw. :-( I'm not suicidal anymore, but in a way this is worse: at least when I was suicidal, I had a hope of this terrible internal state ending.
Torn between two impulses, and feeling like a fool... *slaps self upside the head, hoping to clear it a little*
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Want to send the menstrual faery my way? I've had PMS for a week and still won't bleed..dammit..(yes, right now i would take bleeding over the bloating and emotional turmoil)
Be well, sister.
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