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(originally posted to Diaryland.com, 2003-09-24 - 3:34 p.m.)
I have Borderline Personality Disorder (though I've largely got it under control these days), which involves a constant nagging fear of not being good enough, of being scorned, of being abandoned. So when MR posted a link to a new AI RP site, the Mecha Freedom Network, at
http://www.midnightcrow.co.uk/mrn.html
I found myself panicking a little.
Is the AI RP I'm running good enough? Will people like the MFN better, and leave in droves? Insecurity gnaws at my sense of accomplishment. I'm afraid that everything I've worked for will come tumbling down in ruins.
I ran into the same problem when MR put up her excellent AI Fan Fiction Online Archive -- the terror that it made my own fan fiction page on CHV obsolete, and anger that something I'd worked hard for was being taken away. Now, I know that's NOT the case (though I gave MR a bit of grief over it, for which I hope she can forgive me), and nowadays I can cut through most of the instinctive fear and anger response with cognitive strategies, but still...
... and people wonder why someone like me would be suicidal. The wounds I received in childhood continue to bleed. But I keep working at living through each day, holding onto the hope that my life will hurt less as I learn more and more. Even on days like today, when I don't particularly believe it in my heart.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder (though I've largely got it under control these days), which involves a constant nagging fear of not being good enough, of being scorned, of being abandoned. So when MR posted a link to a new AI RP site, the Mecha Freedom Network, at
http://www.midnightcrow.co.uk/mrn.html
I found myself panicking a little.
Is the AI RP I'm running good enough? Will people like the MFN better, and leave in droves? Insecurity gnaws at my sense of accomplishment. I'm afraid that everything I've worked for will come tumbling down in ruins.
I ran into the same problem when MR put up her excellent AI Fan Fiction Online Archive -- the terror that it made my own fan fiction page on CHV obsolete, and anger that something I'd worked hard for was being taken away. Now, I know that's NOT the case (though I gave MR a bit of grief over it, for which I hope she can forgive me), and nowadays I can cut through most of the instinctive fear and anger response with cognitive strategies, but still...
... and people wonder why someone like me would be suicidal. The wounds I received in childhood continue to bleed. But I keep working at living through each day, holding onto the hope that my life will hurt less as I learn more and more. Even on days like today, when I don't particularly believe it in my heart.
