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I crossposted this from the nopity community... it concerns the aftermath of sexual abuse, so if that squicks you, don't click the link.
I guess I'd better do this now, while I have a moment of clear courage. Don't worry, there's nothing too graphic. This is just sketching out the bare bones.
I have a real problem with sex -- I can't engage in it. I freeze up solid, and the thought of trying fills me with dread.
I'm married, and fairly happily considering my situation, but I have vaginismus (involuntary clamping shut of the muscles of the vagina whenever anything is put inside) and nothing seems to help. That, and when I'm touched in a sexual way, I tend to dissociate, sometimes right out of my body into a grey zone.
My parents divorced when I was 11 (I think; I have very few memories of my life before age 15, and I have trouble putting them into proper order). I can remember visiting my father in BC when I was 16, and having him grab my breast when he was drunk, and once he came to me while I was still in bed and rubbed my back in an overly sensual way... but as for the incident that caused my overall condition of sexual avoidance... no memory, except what my body carries in its inarticulate and relentless way.
I've been told that this is typical for people who've been sexually assaulted at a pre-verbal age, and my mother certainly thinks that my father would have been capable of doing such a thing. Me? I have no evidence, except the dread, except the way my body closes up, except the sense that my sexuality has been cut out with a rusty knife, leaving only a hollow scar.
Please, don't take this wrong... but in some ways, I wish I HAD been assaulted in a way that I could remember. It would give me something to chase down and confront. As it is, all I have are ghosts, and a sense that I'm overreacting, that I'm probably just making it up, that...
I have no more words.
There. That wasn't so bad, was it?
*goes back into lurk mode until I feel less raw*
I guess I'd better do this now, while I have a moment of clear courage. Don't worry, there's nothing too graphic. This is just sketching out the bare bones.
I have a real problem with sex -- I can't engage in it. I freeze up solid, and the thought of trying fills me with dread.
I'm married, and fairly happily considering my situation, but I have vaginismus (involuntary clamping shut of the muscles of the vagina whenever anything is put inside) and nothing seems to help. That, and when I'm touched in a sexual way, I tend to dissociate, sometimes right out of my body into a grey zone.
My parents divorced when I was 11 (I think; I have very few memories of my life before age 15, and I have trouble putting them into proper order). I can remember visiting my father in BC when I was 16, and having him grab my breast when he was drunk, and once he came to me while I was still in bed and rubbed my back in an overly sensual way... but as for the incident that caused my overall condition of sexual avoidance... no memory, except what my body carries in its inarticulate and relentless way.
I've been told that this is typical for people who've been sexually assaulted at a pre-verbal age, and my mother certainly thinks that my father would have been capable of doing such a thing. Me? I have no evidence, except the dread, except the way my body closes up, except the sense that my sexuality has been cut out with a rusty knife, leaving only a hollow scar.
Please, don't take this wrong... but in some ways, I wish I HAD been assaulted in a way that I could remember. It would give me something to chase down and confront. As it is, all I have are ghosts, and a sense that I'm overreacting, that I'm probably just making it up, that...
I have no more words.
There. That wasn't so bad, was it?
*goes back into lurk mode until I feel less raw*
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Reply Part 2
8) Spirituality. It doesn't have to be establishment religion, but having belief and faith in something is very important. Without it, there is no structure or order to our lives.
9) Lastly, as a woman, you should find time to take “Me” days away from the hubby, away from the rat race that is your life.
I don’t mean this in an evil way, but it’s really important you find ways to relax.
Here are some suggestions:
* Go to a day spa and get the royal treatment!
Get a massage, a manicure and pedicure, a facial, get your hair done.
If this is just too expensive, you can try the alternative:
* Kick everyone out of your house for a day and treat yourself a hot bath, with wonderful bath salts, with candles lit in a darkened bathroom, maybe some incense burning, or an oil warmer with your favorite scents for aroma therapy.
It’s getting late so I’m going to close here. I hope I’ve been of some help!