(no subject)

[crowdog66]

This situation has got to be resolved somehow.

I'm trapped. I can't get out. Less panic, but the depression is returning.

I miss my lovely apartment. I miss my cat. I miss my life. If I had just been a better person, more competant, if I hadn't kept screwing things up, I wouldn't have lost that. It's my fault. I failed. I'm broken.

I haven't written to Kaja. What's the point? I've lost the book. It's my fault, and there's no defense. Nothing I try will ever work.

This place makes me want to scream and put my fists throught the walls. It's small and dark, like the house I grew up in -- oh God, someone let me out! I'm trapped in here. My mother won't let me leave. The memories are suffocating me. The weight of them on my back is crippling me with pain that makes it hard to breathe and hard to think.

Someone said that I was a bright light for them and they didn't want it to go out. That person barely knows me. I don't know why they said it. I t makes no sense. I have nothing left to offer anyone. I have nothing left but pain, and even George is getting tired of hearing about that.

Walking home from the bank today, all I could think of was suicide. The thought darkened everything -- but it was a *good* darkness. A darkness that promised no more pain and no more dreams.

I'm so tired.

Comments

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

I think you have much more left than pain to offer, but you are blinded to it right now because you *are* in pain.

And even if that person barely knows you, they are still right. Because they can see what is there to be seen, but you can not see it right now because it hurts too much.

Maybe it is time to switch back to what was working... ? Until things can be sorted out again.

Just hang in there. I am here for you.