(no subject)

[crowdog66]

This situation has got to be resolved somehow.

I'm trapped. I can't get out. Less panic, but the depression is returning.

I miss my lovely apartment. I miss my cat. I miss my life. If I had just been a better person, more competant, if I hadn't kept screwing things up, I wouldn't have lost that. It's my fault. I failed. I'm broken.

I haven't written to Kaja. What's the point? I've lost the book. It's my fault, and there's no defense. Nothing I try will ever work.

This place makes me want to scream and put my fists throught the walls. It's small and dark, like the house I grew up in -- oh God, someone let me out! I'm trapped in here. My mother won't let me leave. The memories are suffocating me. The weight of them on my back is crippling me with pain that makes it hard to breathe and hard to think.

Someone said that I was a bright light for them and they didn't want it to go out. That person barely knows me. I don't know why they said it. I t makes no sense. I have nothing left to offer anyone. I have nothing left but pain, and even George is getting tired of hearing about that.

Walking home from the bank today, all I could think of was suicide. The thought darkened everything -- but it was a *good* darkness. A darkness that promised no more pain and no more dreams.

I'm so tired.