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*crawls out of bed, shakes head, spits out sand acquired from the ritual site, scatches sunburn thoughtfully*
Aw, heck. Aislingfae is right.
"I know it's an awful feeling, but think of it this way...it was what was meant to happen, as nothing in ritual that happens is ever by accident to my belief. Maybe God/dess, Spirit etc has a lesson for you to learn. These situations can be a learning experience or a tragedy, it's all in how we view them."
I screwed up yesterday in a big public ritual. What can I do about that? Absolutely nothing.
What I can choose to do now is a) let it eat at me, or b) learn something from it.
I did a lot of crying last night. I think I'll choose not to cry about it any more.
I think I'll choose to view it as a lesson. I'm often obsessed with self-control, and with being absolutely poised in all situations (even if it's in a "drunken fighter" type of style, with wild motions that still conform to my intuition and will).
Maybe this experience can teach me how to let go of those high standards and forgive myself for mistakes. If I let it, it can serve as an example of how things can go very wrong -- and I can still be acceptable, to others and to myself.
Maybe I can even accept that some people DID get a lot out of the ceremony, even if it didn't go as smoothly as I wanted it to.
One thing is WILL teach me is a lesson the Cosmos tried to drill into me once before, and obviously failed:
Always, ALWAYS check that the cream (or apple juice, or wine) is IN THE CHALICE, BEFORE starting the ceremony! Having an empty chalice for the Great Rite is VERY bad symbolism (the Goddess isn't just not lubricated, she's downright dry!).
The other thing it will teach me is always make sure the strawberries are in the bowls (the honey cakes on the platen, the figs on the altar) before doing the ritual. I forgot both the cream and the strawberries yesterday... wah.
Live and learn, right? It's all about the choices you make.
Thanks to everyone who posted back with encouragement, as well as enough examples of ritual mayhem/mistakes for a whole episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. I feel much better now.
Aw, heck. Aislingfae is right.
"I know it's an awful feeling, but think of it this way...it was what was meant to happen, as nothing in ritual that happens is ever by accident to my belief. Maybe God/dess, Spirit etc has a lesson for you to learn. These situations can be a learning experience or a tragedy, it's all in how we view them."
I screwed up yesterday in a big public ritual. What can I do about that? Absolutely nothing.
What I can choose to do now is a) let it eat at me, or b) learn something from it.
I did a lot of crying last night. I think I'll choose not to cry about it any more.
I think I'll choose to view it as a lesson. I'm often obsessed with self-control, and with being absolutely poised in all situations (even if it's in a "drunken fighter" type of style, with wild motions that still conform to my intuition and will).
Maybe this experience can teach me how to let go of those high standards and forgive myself for mistakes. If I let it, it can serve as an example of how things can go very wrong -- and I can still be acceptable, to others and to myself.
Maybe I can even accept that some people DID get a lot out of the ceremony, even if it didn't go as smoothly as I wanted it to.
One thing is WILL teach me is a lesson the Cosmos tried to drill into me once before, and obviously failed:
Always, ALWAYS check that the cream (or apple juice, or wine) is IN THE CHALICE, BEFORE starting the ceremony! Having an empty chalice for the Great Rite is VERY bad symbolism (the Goddess isn't just not lubricated, she's downright dry!).
The other thing it will teach me is always make sure the strawberries are in the bowls (the honey cakes on the platen, the figs on the altar) before doing the ritual. I forgot both the cream and the strawberries yesterday... wah.
Live and learn, right? It's all about the choices you make.
Thanks to everyone who posted back with encouragement, as well as enough examples of ritual mayhem/mistakes for a whole episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. I feel much better now.
words from a witness
The ritual was wonderful. And I'm not just telling you that because you are a good friend. Good friends will let you know when it sucked and girl, that ritual did not suck! I was there, I should know.
I know how it feels when something goes wrong. Time stands still and all eyes are on you, knowing every detail of panic in your brain. A half hour later you blunder on. But to the casual observer, all we saw was a slight hesitation, an exchanged look between the HP and HPS, a shrug of the shoulders and on with the show. I can imagine the panic you must have been feeling (been there, done that) but you presented a calm, cool exterior. The ritual proceded smoothly. The slight change was picked up by your counterpart and you both adjusted well. It was seamless and beautiful. You pulled it off like a true professional.
It's my humble opinion (and it's ONLY my opinion so take it for what it's worth) that it's not about doing it perfectly that matters. It's how you deal with the things that go wrong that matter. (I try to apply this principle to many aspects of life.) And you dealt with it well. I doubt anyone noticed.
What I'm saying is, you done good! The magic was there. Passion, spring, and new life have sprung. Thank you so much for all your hard work!
I'm sorry if I was a little grumpy going home. It was a long day and I'd gotten more sun than I realized. I was just a little tired. But it was a wonderful day and a wonderful rit. I was honoured to be a part of your ritual team.
Bright Blessings - The Chick From the West.