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I'm just about at the end of my rope.
I wasn't doing too bad a couple of hours ago. It had been one of those days when in spite of feeling incredibly wounded and broken, I'd actually done a good day's work and bought a begger some lunch at the local Coffee Time restaurant. But the deadline on Girl Genius is killing me -- I won't be sleeping much the next ten days, and feel horribly guilty about holding the publication schedule up this long. As usual, I've sabotaged myself very effectively. After this, I'll be lucky if the publishers will even take my calls (George thinks it's not at that point yet, but I have my doubts).
And now, in my inbox, I find a post from one of the essential people in the AI RP group saying that they're on the verge of quitting because of our erratic playing schedule. I honestly can't recall them saying that it was such a severe issue before, and am now officially in panic mode.
That's all I need, after killing my career with Girl Genius -- to drive the RP into the ground by mismanaging it. God, I hate being so ineffectual, so oblivious, so constantly stabbed in the back by my own flawed nature. Isn't there anything I can do to live rightly, even for one single day? How can I make the situation right? I can use the skills I learned in DBT, to discuss it and work something out... but...
I was talking to George about that the other night. About how tired I am, about how even though I know the coping skills I learned in DBT, I've pretty much lost the will to use them. When was the last time I felt genuine joy? Not recently... probably about 10 years ago, more or less. Everything is confused and tainted with the fear of taking my next breath and being an idiot all over again, every day, for the rest of my life.
I hate myself. Maybe it's just a bad patch. But I feel utterly useless and stupid right now.
I wasn't doing too bad a couple of hours ago. It had been one of those days when in spite of feeling incredibly wounded and broken, I'd actually done a good day's work and bought a begger some lunch at the local Coffee Time restaurant. But the deadline on Girl Genius is killing me -- I won't be sleeping much the next ten days, and feel horribly guilty about holding the publication schedule up this long. As usual, I've sabotaged myself very effectively. After this, I'll be lucky if the publishers will even take my calls (George thinks it's not at that point yet, but I have my doubts).
And now, in my inbox, I find a post from one of the essential people in the AI RP group saying that they're on the verge of quitting because of our erratic playing schedule. I honestly can't recall them saying that it was such a severe issue before, and am now officially in panic mode.
That's all I need, after killing my career with Girl Genius -- to drive the RP into the ground by mismanaging it. God, I hate being so ineffectual, so oblivious, so constantly stabbed in the back by my own flawed nature. Isn't there anything I can do to live rightly, even for one single day? How can I make the situation right? I can use the skills I learned in DBT, to discuss it and work something out... but...
I was talking to George about that the other night. About how tired I am, about how even though I know the coping skills I learned in DBT, I've pretty much lost the will to use them. When was the last time I felt genuine joy? Not recently... probably about 10 years ago, more or less. Everything is confused and tainted with the fear of taking my next breath and being an idiot all over again, every day, for the rest of my life.
I hate myself. Maybe it's just a bad patch. But I feel utterly useless and stupid right now.
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(no subject)
Reading your post helped bring me back to earth a little. Er... got any extra lightbulbs? ;-)
(no subject)
If you want to do tea again this Wednesday I'll bring a few over. Or anytime really.
Maybe just hanging out helps?
Talk soon! *hugs*