Utterly, miserably unhappy

[crowdog66]

This all seems like a nightmare. I keep getting flashbacks to our old apartment, to Micawber, to the quality of light at certain times of the day -- part of it must be the illness, but I feel like I'm spinning out of control and nothing will ever be good or happy again.

I crawled into bed yesterday mid-afternoon and didn't get up until I was dragged out of it at noon today. Fits of shaking, crying, and paralyzing jolts of fear keep hitting me. I just want to lie down and cover my head with something and never, ever come out. I want to die.

Northlight is coming over in about half an hour to borrow our air purifier. Of course, I'll have a high level of external functioning even though I'm coming apart inside (a trait of BPD that makes it much harder to spot and treat, but do I really care about that right now?).

Got an email from a friend earlier today that contained what might be a slap against me, a rebuke about spreading the word to people when I'm going to be interviewed on TV or radio. Saying I'm too loud and arrogant. That's probably true.

Off to give my existence some meaning, and paint, to make money.

Comments

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

If you need me I'm here. I can come over tomorrow or anything, for tea or what not. *hugs*

**Hands Laurie the can Of Raid to spray the nasties out of her life...**

[cockatiel-art.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I hate days like that. The emotions can play with the brain big time and some days I wish I could glue the off switch perminantly. **Hugs** I'm with Eastpath. If you need to do tea or something, feel free to call. Hell, you guys can come to my place now that it's looking livable again. I just need to get rid of that bag of soggy laundry on the coffee table. **Blush**

BTW, thank you - that Air Purifier is a Goddess send!! I felt a noticable difference in the apartment after 10 minutes of turning it on :-D Yaaay! I have GOT to get meself one :-D Also, I love your apartment, heehee :-D Yeah, it's smaller than the one on Wentworth, but I find it's just as nice !! I can really feel the Chi flow. It flows a lot differently than the old place..possibly even better :-D When things settle down, and those boxes out of the way, heh, you should be super cozy. I love the living room set up and the kitchen!! The Kitchen has the coolest floor, LOL. I wish I could have seen the Uterine Pink walls in the Living Room.

Lastly: About being on TV and Radio and Stuff? Pthhht. If people don't like it, too bad. We NEED more people like you Laurie!! We pagans tend to be too quiet about the facts of our faith and becuase of that people can be suspitious of us. Arrogant? Telling people about the truth of paganism is Arrogant? **groooans** I fear I'm a terrible example of the pagan faith at times, tho I am trying to work on that. **hugs** I say keep up the good work. Without people like you we'd still have too many unenlightened morons in the public **smirk**

Keep the chin up. Feel free to call if you need a hug :-D

Northlight and Fids
Domnijoe Pets and Art

Hi love hang in there

[(Anonymous)]

Hey I have requests several times over about Beltaine times ans schedule. I understand and you have the right to stand up and talk to them. If it was a minister no one would complain so stand your ground and breathe. I'm here too if you need me. Heather