Yesterday

[crowdog66]

Yesterday, since my mother had not rallied, I talked with the palliative care physician and elected to withdraw the antibiotics and, as of today, intravenous fluids. The physician told me that without fluids my mother may take up to seven to ten days to die, but that she will not feel thirsty or in pain during that time.

It absolutely breaks my heart. Part of me feels like I've just made the decision to kill her, even though I know that it's really choosing to make her dying easier and quicker rather than to prolong what she's going through. Sometimes the pain is like an icepick in my heart. I left Riverview last night feeling like I'd been kicked in the head several times by a large horse -- utterly crushed and defeated.

Worse, I can't keep putting off my editors. I have to get back to getting at least some work done, and so does George.

I don't want to abandon my mother, not now. I don't want her to be alone for even a minute. But I don't see that I have much choice.

Yesterday Cheryl, who had come into town on Tuesday evening, spent the afternoon with me at my mother's side. She told me some things that my mother had said to her that considerably eased my mind in many ways: that my mother did not want her dying prolonged, and that this is pretty much the way she would have wanted to go. Terri was able to come in to cover the evening, as well as giving me a lift home.

Today Cheryl went to Riverview in the morning and took over from George, allowing me to sleep until 3 pm today, as well as allowing George to come home so we could sleep in the same bed for the first time in several days.

Tonight Tara is coming to take me to Riverview at 5 pm and will sit with me for part of the evening.

I am so very blessed to have such friends. By the way, whoever is posting as "anonymous" in response to my posts, with offers of help? I honestly have no idea who you are. I would like to take you up on your offers, but can't if I don't know your name or contact information... please feel free to email me at anotheragentsmith at gmail.com.

And to everyone who has responded with words of encouragement... THANK YOU. I might not have the heart or the time or the energy to respond, but I want you to know that each of your posts eases my pain and makes this bad time a little bit better.

Time to go get the laundry out of the washer.

Comments

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

I can only continue to be glad she is not in pain currently and that you have all this help *big hugs*

[lacontessamala.livejournal.com]

Thank you for having the compassion to give your mother peace and painlessness. That was the kindest thing you could have ever done. *hugs*

Do you have a laptop you can work on, so you could take it to her room and work? Or could you temporarily have your PC brought to her room so you could do work there? I'm sure they've had weirder requests, and would be happy to accomodate you. Just a thought.

[jeffheikkinen.livejournal.com]

I hope you got my e-mail the other day; I haven't much more to say than what's in there. We should go for coffee as promised sometime soon, but I'll understand if it takes a while before you feel up to that. Call me at Branwen's place or e-mail me at jwh2@rice.edu any time you like.

[cockatiel-art.livejournal.com]

Hey crow-joe - it was me who offered help **waves** . Firefox was being a shit and hadn't let me sign in and I ended up posting as anonymous.

The offer's still up. I can come and make dinner or whatever you need.

[metisbutterfly.livejournal.com]

hi Laurie.
((hugs))
Again,...feel free to contact me if you need. There is a candle burning for you at Casa de Morgaine;)

I read a lovely quote that made me think of your mom, "Although the torches may be quenched for her here, they are lit for her in another place tonight".
-Patricia Kennealy-Morrison, "Blackmantle"

[deepkissez.livejournal.com]

I just wanted you to know, Laurie, that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. You did what was "right" for your Mother. You obviously did what she wished.

Bright Blessings.