A slightly better day

Today was slightly better than yesterday, for a few reasons.

1) My blood sugars were crazy bad yesterday: 9.2 before eating lunch and 11.4 two hours after, even though I'd exercised for 15 minutes before taking the first reading. Today before dinner (and after exercising) it was 5.4, and 9.9 two hours after.

2) I exercised for 25 minutes today.

3) I was busting my butt to turn around as many pages as possible for tomorrow to hit the MM payment deadline to have a cheque mailed out to us next week. I thought it was Friday. My editor informed me that the deadline is actually Monday. That equals a LOT more potential money in our pockets at a time when we really, really need it.

4) George was able to help me with MM today, and will continue to help me over the next few days. Again, this will help me earn more money from Marvel.

5) Everyone's replies to my post yesterday helped my state of mind. Thank you all SO much. :-) (Especially you, morgaine_inanna, for your kind offer of financial assistance.) But I think we'll actually be all right... we'll just be eating a lot of tuna and rice until the next cheque comes in.

Tomorrow I go to see my psychiatrist. It won't be a happy meeting -- I went down SO low these last couple of weeks, and it's mostly my own damned fault for letting the exercise regimen go. But I'll pick up some groceries on the way home and hopefully I'll also get a lot more MM pages done.

My Immortal, Part Two

A follow-up to my post here... it's "My Immortal, Part Two".

See it and weep.

Tempest in a teapot?

I recently got an account at Covenspace, which is basically MySpace for Pagans. In browsing their blog entry feed, I came across the following post:

http://afallanau.covenspace.com/blog/view_post.one?pid=71626

My comments are at the bottom, as "prairiecrow".

Honestly -- am I overreacting?

Treatment-resistant depression and a surprise

Today I saw my psychiatrist, and it was a very (heh) depressing meeting. The last couple of weeks I've been really suffering, in part because I ran into severe motivational problems and had stopped the daily exercise that is an important part of my treatment plan (for reasons not well understood, regular high-cardio exercise seems to be a "magic bullet" for some people with TRD). In the last couple of days I've started to turn myself around -- yesterday I did my full half-hour of exercise and started testing my blood sugars again after a couple of months of not doing so -- but I know that it's going to be a long, hard slog to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Exercise takes a couple of weeks to kick in, and right now I feel like I'm walking around under the weight of several bags of wet sand.

My psychiatrist remarked that the important thing is not to dwell on what I've done in the past (missed exercise, blowing my carb load at meals) but to concentrate on what I can do right now and in the future. And then he asked me a question that surprised me.

"Is there anything in your spirituality that you think might help you out?"

It surprised me because another person I know, who'd had the same doctor for a brief period in the past, had remarked that he wasn't very open to the idea of Wicca. But today he went on to say: "I don't know a lot about your religion." (Okay, he's calling it a "religion" -- that's a good start!) We went on to have a brief conversation in which he was quite accepting of the possibility that my Wiccan practice might have a beneficial impact on my illness, as I explained to him that while I pray briefly at my altar each day and light a candle to Apollo when I am exercising, I feel that what might really help me at this point is a return to the rigorous meditation practices of my early years in learning Wicca.

The subject didn't take up the entire appointment, but I feel a little bit better now that I know my doctor is willing to discuss religious matters with me if they should happen to intersect my treatment plan. He'd known previously that I facilitate a monthly worship group and celebrate the sabbats... I suppose that was what laid the groundwork for today's conversation.

At any rate... I left with instructions to cease one of my medications (I'm currently on five), a note excusing me from my part-time job until at least the beginning of May, and a great deal of relief that the meeting was over. I hate walking in there and baring my soul. Most of the time I concentrate on trying to be strong for others; it's hard to just let that drop.

Was that a rambling enough post? I think it was. Off to paint some pages for MM, and later on I'll pop some Richard Simmons in the VCR and ramp up my heart rate.