Games, numbers, books, and moons

Went to Jeff's game last night and actually had a fairly good time, in spite of the vicious internal drag of the depression. Getting into another character/person's headspace helped, but today the pain is back full force.

George has gone out for a couple of hours, so I'm trying very hard to find distractions and to stay away from any thought of hurting myself. It isn't easy.

Good news from my GP: my three-month blood sugars are at 7.1 and my cholesterol is at 5.7, so my numbers are coming down in a big way.

I'm so tired of everything within me and around me. Maybe I'll go and read a book for a while. Last week I finished a book called Autopsy of a Suicidal Mind, which was a post-mortem psychological autopsy of a man in his 30's who killed himself; today, if I read anything, it will probably be The Guns of August by Barbara W. Tuchman. It's a thick book, packed with facts, but I've been slowly slogging my way through it over the last few weeks.

Things I'm Trying To Look Forward To: The Full Moon ritual on July 8th. Someone else is running it for a change, so it will be wonderful to just sit back (or try to) and relax. How strange it is... just looking at the moon phases soothes and calms me.

No meaning

Tomorrow I have to go with George to visit with his family in Selkirk for Canada Day. I don't know how I'm going to endure it. The last thing I feel like doing is being around 30-odd people right now, especially when there are babies and children in the mix.

Managed to exercise for 20 minutes, even with a tranquillizer under my belt from earlier this evening.

If I had a suicide button, I'd press it right now. Why can't I just get George out of the house, go into the bathroom with a blade, run a tub full of hot water, and get it over with? Why didn't I do it this afternoon?

Now that the drugs have kicked in...

Pain is less. Low enough for me to feel a bit silly.

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