Day on the couch

Barely had enough energy to get out of bed today. Wouldn't have gotten out of bed, in fact, if Corey from Marvel hadn't sent me an email (finally), apologizing for his delay in replying and giving me the specs for sending the samples. Bleah.

Don't have the energy to actually FINISH the samples... my head feels like it's full of fluffy cotton. I think I'm going to curl up on the couch in the sunlight with some pillows, a warm blanket, and good book, and some more coffee.

*beats weakly at my uterus... bleed, dammit, BLEED!*

Fanfare, confetti, and trumpets from on high

While I was curled up on the couch reading and drinking coffee, the piano tuner finally came to visit. It's just an intermittant trickle, but thank the Gods, it's a start.

Great is my mental relief, even though I don't FEEL a whole lot different -- that is, still so tired out physically and emotionally that even the prospect of getting dressed today filled me with dread. But George made me a nice little dinner, and I'm going back to read another book. (This afternoon I started and finished Death of a Doll by Hilda Lawrence, a claustrophobic and obliquely written little murder mystery; will now try my hand, again, at The Foundling by Georgette Heyer, and if that proves too unsatisfying to my rather tempermental mind, I'll go back to sociology in the form of Persuasions of the Witch's Craft by T. M. Luhrmann.)

*bleed, bleed, bleed... lie about, lie about, lie about...*

Can't...

Can't read. Can't think. Can't concentrate.

Took a tranquillizer and a Seroquel to stop the thoughts of despair, exhaustion, and suicidality.

Gacked from ravyne_hawke, because it's the best explanation of what it's like to live with chronic pain/illness/debilitation that I've ever come across...

( The Spoon Theory )

Needed, but useless

A friend of mine needed me tonight, and I couldn't be with her to help.

That is, to me, one of the most horrible sins I can be guilty of.

But no -- I had to run away, take some more meds to drown out the voices screaming at me to hurt myself, and crawl back into bed. As hard as I tried to make myself stay and keep talking about the situation, I just couldnt...

I suck.