Three day update

[crowdog66]

Wednesday:

After my DBT class, went out with George and a friend to see Electric Edwardians, a 70-minute program of actual motion picture footage from turn of the century Britain. From the website linked above:

For around seventy years, 800 rolls of early nitrate film sat in sealed barrels in the basement of a shop. Now miraculously rediscovered and restored, the Mitchell & Kenyon Collection is an amazing visual record of everyday life in Britain at the beginning of the twentieth century. It is the most exciting film discovery of recent times and promises to radically transform British film history.

It was amazing, awe-inspiring, and sometimes eerie to watch these moving images, which hail from a world as lost to us as Tutankhamen's Egypt. Faces swim out of the crowds, hang luminous in the mind as snapshots of a life long gone, and fade away; children romp, lovers stroll, electric trams sail the streets, a ship's cook proudly shows off his cat, and just as they do today, people see a motion picture camera and crowd around, fascinated. If it comes to a theatre near you, see it. George and I plan to pick the DVDs as soon as we possibly can.

Thursday:

A going-away ritual for an old friend, eastpath, with the inestimable aid of cockatiel_art. We created an amulet full of herbs for prosperity, good luck, protection, and purification for her move out to the west coast, as well as presenting her with a small bag of appropriate stones and a Goddess keychain for her new apartment keys, to remind her that her friends far away will still be thinking of her. A reasonably full account of the rite will be given on the wiccanmoons LJ community in the next few days.

Afterwards, an evening of movies: Lilo and Stitch and Psycho Beach Party. A strange mix, yes, but it certainly seemed to work out well.

Today:

Went downtown and registered for a belly dancing class to begin in September. Then, after paying a bill and having some lunch, off to Health Sciences Centre for an appointment with my psychiatrist. George was good enough to come along even though he'd been working all night. After watching me cry for a while over the intractable pain of my depression, the psych doc admonished me not to be so hard on myself and handed me some Zen Buddhism: one must not get caught up in goals, one must remember the nature of impermanence, that all things fade away, including pain. This crushed me even more: how could I be so stupid as to forget one of the most basic teachings of the DBT course? I left feeling very small and shabby, with an authorization for bloodwork (which I got done at the HSC) in case we make the decision to add anticonvulsants to my medication regimen. *pounds head softly against the nearest wall*

I just don't know if I can stand the prospect that I might never be free of the recurrant desire to end my own life because the pain in my heart and mind is so bad. I know I don't have many troubles compared to a schizophrenic or someone with MS, but what I've got is sometimes more than enough.

Tomorrow:

Initiation into the Black Ring line. Please, let me be strong enough to get through it.

Comments

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

I think your initiation will go very well... and I think it will be a great source and resource for you. I'm glad for that *hugs* I'm just an LJ away now.. *more hugs*