Terror and suffering

[crowdog66]

Slept 18 hours straight last night, and could barely drag myself out of bed afterwards. Plagued by horrible oppressive nightmares, probably triggered by being with my mother yesterday -- nightmares of moving to Vancouver and being trapped in a strange new apartment, without medication or a doctor or anyone I could talk to. Right now I feel shakey, spaced-out, quietly terrified, and on the verge of cutting myself, or worse.

Why do I go on? Every moment is torture, every breath so hard to take. Waves of emotional and mental agony keep sweeping over me, leaving me curled up on the couch quietly sobbing. And I don't want to wake up George, who worked all night last night and most of today and really needs his rest.

I know I should go out for a walk, as well as pick up some more Effexor (which I ran out of last night) but I honestly can't bring myself to leave the apartment. The light of the evening sun through the windows feels threatening and pitiless, weighing me down and filling me with even more fear.

The worst part, arguably, is that in some ways I'm still able to function at quite a high level. I was just in Yahoo Religion chat, and I doubt anyone knew anything was really wrong...

Just took a half of a Seroquel tablet. Maybe it will stop the destructive spirals of thought. I hope it helps, and soon.

Comments

[ravyne-hawke.livejournal.com]

((((Crow)))) I am so sorry this depression has you down so far, but by the gods, I do know what you are going through. How much Effexor are you taking? Do you need the dose upped? Well, I guess right now you just need some since you are out. Can George go get it filled for you? Does the pharmacy have delivery service? I just feel so helpless to help you when I know what you are going through. If you need to talk, I am here. Email me at ravyne_hawke@ yahoo.com (no space) or add me to your YIM under ravyne_hawke. I am here for you!

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, and your email address... so very kind of you... I just got George up and he's offered to go out with me to the pharmacy (it's a bit late in the day for their delivery service), so probably the walk will help on top of what the Seroquel is already doing.

[lacontessamala.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm so worried about you. Are you talking to a professional about this? I don't mean on a regular basis, I mean, right now. You can climb out of this. I've been there.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

I'm a bit better now -- the Seroquel is beginning to kick in, and George is now up and has offered to go with me to the pharmacy to pick up my meds, so that's what we're going to do. It won't be easy, but it will probably be for the best.

As for a professional, there's always the urgent care ward at the nearest hospital if things get absolutely unbearable. And I'm thinking of calling a few of my local friends tonight... maybe they can help me hang on.

Thanks for the words of sympathy and support. I'm still rough, but I think I can get through this.

[matrixrefugee.livejournal.com]

I'm going through some rough water myself, so I hear yah... Is it something in the air, I wonder??

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

I'm holding your postcard right now, and looking at the little inked circle marking where you saw the ducks.

I think of you every time I see this postcard, and that's a lot, because I've stuck it up on our refrigerator with a little bluebonnet magnet.

Don't despair, Crow. There are many of us who care about you.

I do believe you'll get through this.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Thank you... I'm feeling better today; the worst of it seems to be past. As always, your kind words helped me turn around. :-)

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

I'm glad George went to the pharmacy with you... *hugs*

And I think you go on just for the same reason the rest of us do... which really is something I don't much get anyway... but we just do.

I really hope we'll still do something Thursday.... maybe in the afternoon-ish?

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

I was thinking evening-ish, but the later afternoon is probably also an option. :-)

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

later afternoon-ish would probably be better for me.... between maybe 3 and 6?

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

That would work for me. 3 pm, then?

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

That works well :) See you Thurs at 3 *hugs*

[elaryn.livejournal.com]

::More big hugs:: I just saw this entry. You sound a whole lot better in the later one, but I echo Squirrelly's concern.

The world's a better place with you in it. I hope you stick around for a long while to come.

[cockatiel-art.livejournal.com]

**hugs**

Dammit.. I missed ye when you needed me **whimpers**.. I'mm hug you now. I'm glad you've been feeling better. See you thursday! **hugs again**