I am a lone sparrow

[crowdog66]

I am a lone sparrow
on a bare branch in November
with emptiness all around
and the cold slowly infusing my hollow bones.

The membranes of trance
keep sliding across my eyes
no matter how hard
I try to keep them open.

I am huddling into myself
trying to find a place
where the frost
cannot go.



***************************

Yesterday I left work early because I was too sick and depressed to keep talking to people on the phone. I went straight to bed and slept for 16 hours straight. It still doesn't feel like enough.

I keep sliding in and out of trance/dissociative states. For the first time in weeks, suicide has returned to stalk my inner landscape.

Today I saw my doctor, who told me that I have high cholesterol as well as diabetes, and that he's putting me on a medication called Monopril to stave off kidney failure (which apparently starts happening at around the 15-year mark in diabetes, which he figures I've had for three years or less). More than anything else I've heard to date, that hit me where I live.

Shocked, I cling to that tree branch, and wonder why I don't just let go and allow the wind to carry me away.