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I'm so sick of feeling like this, suffering through every breath. I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I'm outwardly pretty functional, but thoughts of suicide are becoming more frequent and more real. I have a definite plan and several potential locations -- mostly evaluated on which would be least traumatic for whoever might find me and easiest to clean up -- but even now, when something inside is making me to type this out, I can't say where, because that would just be too raw and too ridiculous. The whole thing is stupid, actually. I should have killed myself years ago, before it got to this point. The pain then was cleaner, somehow. Now it's just dirty and self-hating and useless, and I'm so tired of having to put up with myself.
I hate myself, and I hate the fact that I still have hope. I want to kill that hope and get it the hell over with. Sure it will hurt, but only for a couple of minutes. Death from hypovolemic shock is pretty quick. There'll be the pain of the cut itself, nausea, maybe some vomiting, and then it's over.
Everything hurts, nothing tastes good anymore. Sometimes I feel amusment or pleasure, but that only makes the pain harder to take. I'm in a tight black place and there's no way out. All I can do is try to hang on until the Effexor takes effect, if it ever does.
