Hours left, perhaps days

[crowdog66]

Today my mother was almost uniformly unresponsive. The doctors tell us her kidneys are failing. They think she has hours, perhaps days at the outside.

This is a terrible blow. We expected to have at least a few weeks longer with her. The time for conscious communication is past; all we can do now is hold her hand and tell her that we love her, hoping that she can hear us (which is very uncertain). Today I told her exactly that, and also that George and my friends will take good care of me after she's gone, and that I will be all right -- giving her permission to go, so she doesn't feel like she has to hang on.

George is staying with her tonight so that I can get a good night's sleep and spend all day and night with her tomorrow. She seems to be sleeping deeply and naturally but we aren't able to wake her up. The palliative care nurses have promised us that she IS not and WILL not be in pain, and right now that's all that really matters, at least as far as I'm concerned.

It's so hard. So very, very hard. I keep thinking there's more I could have done -- that I could have spent more time with her, that I could have urged her to eat more, that I could have done SOMETHING to help her or put this off somehow. What's even harder is that one of the last things she said yesterday is: "I'm not dead yet." I think she really expected she might recover from this recent downturn. If that's the case, then I pray she never realizes that she is dying; that some of her last thoughts were hopeful ones.

In some ways this is the best possible death we could have hoped for. She was quite well and largely independent up until a week ago; only in pain for the last week; and only unconscious for the last 24 hours. I pray she passes easily, if it's her time to go.

I'm so afraid of the process. What will be expected of me? What can I do?

So many questions, and not enough answers.

Comments

[beckyh2112.livejournal.com]

*wraps her arms around Laurie* May the Deity protect and preserve her, and grant her peace.

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

You're really doing exactly what is expected of you. And following her wishes in her last will will be what you can do after. *BIIIIIIG Hugs* I'm glad she isn't in pain and I'm glad she perhaps will sleep comfortably away not even realizing. It's a good way. *more hugs* Sleep well and realize that you've done everything right and this is just the time now for this to happen for her. Might not be the greatest time for you, but life doesn't quite follow that path. Love ya lots, sending energy your way.

[(Anonymous)]

I had a candle lit for her today. **hugs** I have all of you in my thoughts and I'll light the candle daily until a resolution to her situation occurs. If you need to call pals for a coffee and cry, I'm up for it. :-)

[elaryn.livejournal.com]

Dear God... I'm so sorry. All I can do is send my good thoughts, our orayers that however things turn out, she does not suffer.

Please don't blame yourself for this. This is not your fault. This is through no failure of yours. You did what you could. Whether you call the Creator God or the Goddess, trust Her now to take care of things and guide you through what will be.

Even though we've never met face-to-face, I consider you a good friend, and you've been very comforting to me when I was in need. Lean on us now - we send you love, strength and courage. When it is your mother's time to pass over, whether it is soon or later, may she pass free of pain and walk in the Light. Please - if you need to, call us. God bless you and your family in this sad and difficult hour.

[chimera452.livejournal.com]

Oh, Laurie, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm not sure how much this will help to ease your mind, but I know from my own experience with my father that sometimes the cancer wins, especially if it wasn't diagnosed soon enough. And there's only so much that we and the doctors can do. My father had several operations to cut away the cancerous tissue and burn away tumours. He was put on oral chemo, then on intravenous chemo, and then finally an experimental drug on top of the chemo. But in the end, the cancer just had too much of a head start.

You did everything you could for your mother during her treatment, and you're doing everything you can for her now. If this is her time, then I think the most important thing is for her to have her loved ones around her. And that's what you're doing.

A big virtual hug now, and a promised real one the next time I see you. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.

[princessmusey.livejournal.com]

You will be expected to do nothing, but love and mourn for your mother. Any other expectations are unjustified at a time like this.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this sooner than you hoped. Love and light to you all.

[knittinwitch.livejournal.com]

Laurie, words can't describe how i'm feeling right now. I've had the same questions and guilt with my dad and have had so many people tell me "it'll be ok". It will be ok but not right away. It's so very hard to even explain to someone that has not lost a parent.

PLEASE if you need to talk or ask questions, etc. Don't hesitate to contact me. This is all still so new to me also.

Hugs,
Brenda

**HUG**

[brannie-bird.livejournal.com]

I've also said a prayer for your mother, and one for you too, hon. Thinking of you.

Branwen

((hugs))

[metisbutterfly.livejournal.com]

Laurie...all I can say is that I am here for you and George, and will light a candle for all of you. May the campfires of the ancestors light your mother's way home, and may her passing be gentle.

[madra-liath.livejournal.com]

I just want to let you know that you're in my prayers.

*hug*

[pink-gecco.livejournal.com]

I have been carrying a candle for your mother, you, and George in my heart all week. So many people have said such wise things in this journal already there's really not much left for me to say. I will continue to hold this candle for you for as long as you need. Love and blessings - T.

[lacontessamala.livejournal.com]

Laurie, there's nothing else you could have done to prevent this or make things better--you've been a faithful and loving daughter to your mother and helped her all you could. Just take the time to say your goodbyes and grieve without guilt. The hospice staff will guide you through the details. You all are in my prayers.

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

What everyone else has said -- there are no wiser words than from the friends who love you at a time like this.

*hugs*

[silverjackal.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

I'm so afraid of the process. What will be expected of me? What can I do?

Don't be afraid. You'll deal with things one thing at a time, as they arise, just like you've dealt with things up until now. No one requires or expects anything of you that you can't accomplish, so focus on your mother, and yourself. Everything else will sort itself out.

[sammelsadvocate.livejournal.com]

What can you do? Be strong. Celebrate her life and honor her by living your life to the fullest once she's gone.

I'm sure that's what any mother would want from her child on the eve of her passing.

[loneseabreakers.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. *hugs* You and your mother and your family are in my prayers. Peace be with you all.

[flamingchords.livejournal.com]

(Hugs.)

I wish I could do more for you than that.

[absolute-tash.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad you got to be close to her and take good care of her. That way, you both know how much you loved eachother.

I think that's very sweet that you gave her "permission" to go. It's a beautiful gift to give someone.

Big Hugs in your time of need.

[deepkissez.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm sure there is nothing to be expected of you. There is nothing more you can do or could have done.

I petition The Lord and The Lady to help your mother's transition to the next realm be a peaceful one. I shall be thinking of you and your family during this bitter-sweet time.

In Love and Light.

[freezer818.livejournal.com]

I wish I had more to offer you than thoughts and prayers. But you've got all I have to give.

[eleanore-c.livejournal.com]

The other entries here have said everything I want to say, and said it very well. Hugs from me too and you are still in my prayers.