Thoughts about personal (dis)honor

[crowdog66]

These last few months I've been living with an increasing sense of personal dishonor, due to the fact that we owe our current rental agency money.

So now we've negotiated a settlement where we'll be out of the apartment by the end of March. The money we owe will be completely paid back before we move out... This is a relief, and the best solution we could manage. Still, even though most people I've confided in have expressed the opinion that "it's only money" and I have no reason to be ashamed of the situation, I find myself feeling... stained.

"Why do you feel so bad about it?"

On the surface, that's a no-brainer: because I want to be able to honor my word and my negotiated commitments, even though it's not my fault per se that one of our clients screwed us out of the money we were expecting to live on for a couple of months.

However, if this were happening to one of my friends, would I look upon them as unkindly as I'm looking upon myself?

No. I suspect I'd be more sympathetic. Perhaps growing up with so little money, always on the edge of disaster, and seeing my mother so dismayed at the thought of not being able to pay the bills, I have an enhanced sensitivity to money issues. My mother painted anyone who couldn't make their bill payments as BAD (in 36-point letters); to her, such a thing was the ultimate sin anyone could commit. Hence the way my adrenal glands kick in every time I think about the subject.

So here I am, living that particularly shameful type of dishonor. I feel horrible about the entire situation, and am having a very hard time forgiving myself. The scary thing is, I'm not even sure if I should -- or not...

Comments

[matrixrefugee.livejournal.com]

::Puts arm about Laurie's shoulders::

Hey, I've often said that if we could just find a way to eliminate money and find some alternate means to run the economy of the world, about 85 % of the world's problems would probably be solved. Working only part-time, I'm no stranger to money woes, though I always seem to manage to squeak through. I'm accustomed to wearing thrift-store clothes and buying previously-viewed DVDs at half-price from Blockbuster Video (That's how I got my "A.I." DVD!).

I'm suddenly minded of a wierd story from when I was really small, and my folks were a little short on cash... and they missed a payment on my medical bills (I had a life-threatening abdominal hernia when I was born, as well as having crossed-eyes that required surgery as well)... And my mother got into a panic over it, so my dad said to her, in a bantering voice, "What are they gonna do? Is the hospital gonna come and reposess the kid?"

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Aw... thanks :-)

"Repossess the kid"... (shakes head, chuckles) What is it they say about keeping your sense of humor? Thanks for sharing that story, MR -- it reminded me of a very important life-lesson.

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling. I feel it everytime I go to my doctor. I owe the clinic about 400 or so. I have missed rent before, it's a pretty bad feeling... but the circumstance in this case could not have been controlled by you. You shouldn't feel bad. You have worked it out amicably, and you're moving on to a better place :D *hugs*

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :-D *hugs back!*

The words of support really help at a time like this. You guys are all terrific! :-)))