Good News/Bad News (cutting/suicide reference)

[crowdog66]

This entry mentions self-injuring behavior, so if that is a "trigger" for you, best to skip it.

The good news is that Captain Canuck is FINALLY done (except for corrections, of which there have been very few so far).

The bad news is that on Saturday, I cut myself. By cutting, I mean deliberate self-injury inflicted out of overwhelming anger, hate, frustration, and self-loathing.

I haven't cut in almost two years. But on Saturday I broke that winning streak. It wasn't even anything that dramatic -- a series of deep scratch marks on my left forearm (which is always the target of the urges for some reason), which yeilded a drop or two of blood, and some deep bruises from hitting my forearm with a TV remote several times hard (yes, a TV remote... how banal, eh?).

I feel ashamed of losing control -- yet strangely better, somehow at peace. There are a lot of theories about why people self-injure (a good site for self-injury info is http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html), but in my case I think it's a form of self-punishment, taking out rage that I can't safely release on myself and thus getting it out of my system. I don't want people to notice the damage and offer help, which is one common reason for cutting: in fact, after injuring myself I tend to hide it with long-sleeved shirts. I just feel, deep down, that I deserve it for being a failure, a burden, a useless miserable bitch. It's closely tied to suicidal ideation, since when I think about killing myself it always involves slashing my left wrist or the large vein on the back of my left hand.

I'm in so many pieces... some of them too big, some of them too small, none of them quite fitting. I feel weak and lost inside, even though (like many people with Borderline Personality Disorder) I have a high degree of apparent functionality and can carry on the outward show of integrity even when I'm crashing internally. A few people among the Pagans I associate with have called me an Elder, but I have no idea why they would do so, and I certainly don't deserve it. If only they could see me from the inside -- then they'd realize their mistake.

But at least Captain Canuck is done. *sigh*

Comments

MR responds

[(Anonymous)]

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Odd, I've had a nasty bout of depression lately myself. Something in the air? (I hope not!)

It's good that you can air this out. When I went through my worst bout, three years ago, I almost drowned myself in a stream near my house, when I was heading out to run some errands. I was even paused over the culvert, trying to muster up the courage to just let myself fall in. But something told me to finish the errands first before I did anything drastic. I even confessed this to my parents last night... I don't think my dad took it too well, but I could tell he was trying not to get too upset.

You're certainly an Elder in my book. I doubt that I would be so successful as a writer if I hadn't met you online; thus I regard you as my mentor. I keep you in my thoughts every day; I know exactly where you've been. Don't forget: I'm there for you.

Re: MR responds

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

((((((MR))))))... isn't it strange how even in the grip of the blackest and deepest despair, there is some part of us that still wants to live? (The part that urged you to finish those errands, and thus saved your life...)

Thanks for your support. :-) It means a lot to me.

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

I can appreciate you from the other side... I've cut, I've been there. I know the feelings and the hardship.

I appreciate you.

And I do still consider you Elder, because you still try. You haven't given up. You still learn, and you still grow.

And that's why you are awesome in my book. And that's why I am your friend.

*HUGS*