crowdog66 ◾ ◾ For better or for worse

For better or for worse, I'm back. I've been through the self-pitying OMGIKANTSTANDLIFE! stage, the lying-in-bed-for-almost-36-hours-straight-plotting-suicide stage, and the force-myself-to-get-up-and-DO-something stage. Exercise, shopping, AND laundry, which I can scarcely believe. And I'm going out to a ritual event tonight that someone else is hosting.

I'm still fairly touchy, though. Why? Growing up, I was constantly smacked down whenever I expressed any emotion that wasn't the "perfect" emotions my mother wanted me to have: to always be happy no matter what shit she dumped on me, to always be strong and supportive no matter how whiny and needy she got, to never tell anyone, EVER, what went on behind the closed doors of our house, no matter how badly I was dying inside at the time. Looking back, I realize that she was/is either bipolar or in the BPD spectrum herself -- she had no business trying to raise a child, because she had almost zero healthy parenting skills. But she did, and here I am, some days in so many pieces that I can't even begin to comprehend what it must be like to be a whole and functioning person. I'm still trying to learn the essential skills of balance, of give and take, of being able to tolerate criticism and accept what's valuable from it while discarding the rest, as well as being able to respond to it in a reasonable manner without flying into a rage or into the depths of despair. This takes practice, which I hope will be met with patience from those I encounter and interact with.

So. For better or for worse, I'm alive, and back to posting here, because this LiveJournal is an outlet that I really need at this point in my life. Anyone who has problems with the unpretty stuff that I post is free to unfriend me at this point. Believe me, I won't try to stop you, and I won't blame you either. I'm a fairly distasteful human being a lot of the time, whining and bitching and complaining. But that's who I am. And I'm managing to survive.