Okay...

Well, not so okay, but at least partway back.

I'm in such internal turmoil that it's hard to put words to what I'm feeling. Suffice to say that on the first work-free day I've had in quite a while, I want to write but cannot; want to RP but cannot; want to do research, but cannot; want to put together notes for the class I'm teaching on the 20th, but cannot. Not because of anything external preventing me, but because my mind just won't sit still.

Spent the entire day in bed. Got up because the distress was too acute. Just took a tranquillizer, and we'll see what that does.

I hate, hate, HATE this feeling of having a little bit of energy and being able to do nothing constructive with it except suffer.

Thank you to all my online friends who offered words of encouragement (and phone numbers that I almost took advantage of). It's just so disheartening to get a taste of what "normal" life and energy levels must be like, only to have it come crashing down. Your support means everything to me at a time like this.

The rancid cherry on the sundae is the lockdown of the Gabbery over on GAFF. According to the Site Guru, a database error has rendered it unreadable -- however, folks can still access posts and read entries. I did make a web archive of the "Hi! I'm New!" thread and the Avatar Adoption Society thread, just in case the SG decides to wipe the forum's contents and start over again.

Right now I'm wondering if I'll be able to host the Full Moon ritual next Tuesday. Unless I'm feeling much better by then, I might have to cancel.

Down the hatch

1/2 a Seroquel -- well, actually, a bit over 1/2 a Seroquel -- down the hatch at 9 pm.

Let's see how long it takes to whack my forebrain like a 2x4.

I'm feeling tiny bursts of hope and energy in the midst of all this despair, but the depression is making it hard to use those moments as handholds to pull myself out. Grahhhhh.