failure

I just can't seem to handle responsibility or complex tasks. I bungled the ritual form this afternoon in a way that no one could have missed (started the wrong invokation, had to backtrack and correct in front of 50 or 60 onlookers), and made several other large basic mistakes of procedure.

People complimented me on the ritual afterwards, but I couldn't, and can't, really believe it. I failed as a priestess. I failed the community to which I had promised a good, or even competant, rite. Everyone else hit their marks, but I fucked it up.

I don't know if I'll be able to go to any public events for a very long time. I don't know if I could bear it. It was everything I could do not to slink off right after the ritual was concluded, and the feeling of shame and sorrow is only getting worse.

Why did I even try?

... and the morning after the failure

*crawls out of bed, shakes head, spits out sand acquired from the ritual site, scatches sunburn thoughtfully*

Aw, heck. Aislingfae is right.

"I know it's an awful feeling, but think of it this way...it was what was meant to happen, as nothing in ritual that happens is ever by accident to my belief. Maybe God/dess, Spirit etc has a lesson for you to learn. These situations can be a learning experience or a tragedy, it's all in how we view them."

I screwed up yesterday in a big public ritual. What can I do about that? Absolutely nothing.

What I can choose to do now is a) let it eat at me, or b) learn something from it.

I did a lot of crying last night. I think I'll choose not to cry about it any more.

I think I'll choose to view it as a lesson. I'm often obsessed with self-control, and with being absolutely poised in all situations (even if it's in a "drunken fighter" type of style, with wild motions that still conform to my intuition and will).

Maybe this experience can teach me how to let go of those high standards and forgive myself for mistakes. If I let it, it can serve as an example of how things can go very wrong -- and I can still be acceptable, to others and to myself.

Maybe I can even accept that some people DID get a lot out of the ceremony, even if it didn't go as smoothly as I wanted it to.

One thing is WILL teach me is a lesson the Cosmos tried to drill into me once before, and obviously failed:

Always, ALWAYS check that the cream (or apple juice, or wine) is IN THE CHALICE, BEFORE starting the ceremony! Having an empty chalice for the Great Rite is VERY bad symbolism (the Goddess isn't just not lubricated, she's downright dry!).

The other thing it will teach me is always make sure the strawberries are in the bowls (the honey cakes on the platen, the figs on the altar) before doing the ritual. I forgot both the cream and the strawberries yesterday... wah.

Live and learn, right? It's all about the choices you make.

Thanks to everyone who posted back with encouragement, as well as enough examples of ritual mayhem/mistakes for a whole episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. I feel much better now.