Twelve hours later...

My soul feels stretched out of shape.

Sorrow, hope, love, despair, and fierce regret are at war within me. Is he really gone? Is he, that darling cat who gazed at me so affectionately and raised his head to accept my touch? That lovely creature who trusted me to take care of him?

Did I? Was sparing him great pain at the price of his life the right decision? We had no way of knowing if any of the treatments proposed would work, or do anything more than cause him further suffering.

So tired. Time to take a tranquillizer (to ensure I sleep well, as well as dull the agony in my heart) and go to bed. The deed is done. Let's see what tomorrow -- our first day without Micawber in almost nine years -- brings.

Links on grieving, and "Rainbow Bridge"

Some links I've found useful in what I'm going through (I try to put at least one useful/interesting topic per week in my Livejournal, lol...)

Coping with the 5 stages of grief:

http://www.york-united-kingdom.co.uk/funerals/grief/

Understanding the Grief Process:

http://www.aarp.org/griefandloss/articles/11_a.html

The Seven Choices of Grief”

http://www.aarp.org/griefandloss/articles/12_b.html

Tasks of Mourning (ends with a wonderful quote from Thomas Campbell in Hallowed Ground: "To live in hearts we leave behind, is not to die.")

http://www.aarp.org/griefandloss/articles/12_a.html

And one I’ll quote here in its entirety, “Rainbow Bridge” (author unknown):

http://www.petloss.com/poems/maingrp/rainbowb.htm

I’ve always found it highly sentimental, but right now, it brings me some comfort.

*****************

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.

There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

*****************

"I have sent you on a journey..."

I just found a link to a Candle Ceremony for ill, dying, and dead companion animals. As a whole, it wasn't my cup of tea (I've never liked the term "furbabies" or "furchildren", since it suggests anthropomorphism and I've always believed in loving and respecting animals for their true animal natures, not out of sentimentality). The last line, however, hit me like a truck:

"I have sent you on a journey to a land free from pain, not because I did not love you, but because I loved you too much to force you to stay."

*starts crying again... dammit, when do the tears ever stop?*

You can find the ceremony at:

http://www.petloss.com/ceremony.htm

Elements of it might prove very effective for my 2004 Samhain ritual... we'll see.