Cutting

[crowdog66]

To sleep at 4 am; up at 5 pm. Wouldn't have gotten up at all except that Jeff's game is tonight. George worked late and is still in bed.

Cut for the first time in a long time by pressing a serrated knife blade into my arm. Can't seem to stop looking at the veins in my left wrist. With a bit of work... and tomorrow is my birthday. It would be ironic if in my case the answer wasn't 42, but 41. *laughs very bitterly* If I wasn't living with someone, I'd find a sharper blade and just carve away at my arm until the pain went away or I finally worked my way around to those wrist veins. A lengthwise cut, down the vein, might ensure that they stay open long enough.

What am I afraid of? Not succeeding. Ending up in a hospital bed with organ damage from shock that wasn't quite deep enough to kill. Worse, facing George. Knowing that I'd lost his love AND was still alive. Death doesn't really frighten me at this point. The messiness of outliving a suicide attempt does.

It's not easy to kill yourself certainly, short of stepping in front of a speeding bus (and what would that do to the bus driver?).

A friend once mentioned that they read my LJ because of the honesty. Well, there it is. About as honest as it gets, because apparently some people value that. Don't worry. One day I'll stop talking and actually take the leap, and nobody will have to read this anymore.

Comments

[ravyne-hawke.livejournal.com]

I am glad you talk about this stuff. You cannot imagine how often I feel the same and I don't post about it. I think reading your posts help me work through my own depression and desire to just end it all. *hugs* thanks hun.

[elaryn.livejournal.com]

To be honest, sometimes I feel the same way, too. You know, like no one would miss me, and I'd be better off, and so forth. The love of good friends has kept me here during my darkest hours. I am so loved and lucky.

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

If ANY good comes from all this, I'm grateful for that...

[elaryn.livejournal.com]

One day I'll stop talking and actually take the leap, and nobody will have to read this anymore.

I hope and pray that day never comes, Crowdog. Said it before, and I'll say it again: the world's a better place with you HERE and alive. Right now, you hurt, and you've been hurting for a very long time, and no one can blame you for feeling the way you do. But if you've lost your hope, then perhaps I have hope enough for two, and if I do not, then perhaps all those who care about you (and I suspect those are many) DO have hope enough to hold you and comfort you and let you know that you are loved and needed and wanted.

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it." That's a quote from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," but that doesn't make it any less true.

Whatever choices you make, you remain in my thoughts and prayers. Forgive me if I selfishly hope that you stick around for a while.

::hugs and blessings::

-Elaine

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Thank you... as always. Comforting words, when my mind can accept them, help so much. I think I'll be sticking around for a while longer at least. The pain is a little less now than it was a few hours ago; hopefully it will keep diminishing.

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

I can't possibly write anything more eloquent than what Elaryn has already said, so I'll just say that I too very much hope that you stay with us for a while longer.

*hugs and warm thoughts*

-T

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Thank you. In less dark moments, I hope to live a good long life (women on my mother's side of the family habitually lived to their 80's and 90's). It's only when the pain wears me down to a nub that I start thinking of ending my own life... as I told Elaryn, I think I'll be here quite a while longer. :-)

Thanks for your kind words of support.

[dark-puck.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

Still here. Not dead yet, to quote Monty Python. Even feeling a little bit better; sometimes getting the poison out in a post helps.

[dark-puck.livejournal.com]

I understand completely. I've given you my number in an earlier post. The offer of an ear to listen to still stands.

[metisbutterfly.livejournal.com]

I think it is healthy that you share these things, and very courageous. ((hugs)). I want to keep reading your stuff. The world is much better with you in it, believe me!

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Thank you... I'm still here and still fighting. I'm not sure how healthy it is, but it often seems to help.

[cockatiel-art.livejournal.com]

**Nods at Crow Joe then Hugs her**

Damn. Maybe we should market the first chocolate pill covers. MMm. Yum. :-P

[crowdog66.livejournal.com]

Mmmmmmm... *pictures Keanu Reeves covered in chocolate*

Well, that made me feel better. :-D

[cockatiel-art.livejournal.com]

LMAO!!! Chocolate condoms.. mmmm.... and um.. chocolate coffee.... (wait.. that's mocha. Never mind!)

[scorpio16.livejournal.com]

wow - thanks for being so open - you are a strong, courageous woman and it takes a tremendous amount of strength to speak openly about this - i'm so honoured to know and am thankful everyday that you are here - big hugs **
love - phaidra