Losing

[crowdog66]

Up at 5 pm; had a much-needed shower (hadn't bathed in 3 days) then killed a few hours in Yahoo! chat before killing more time watching movies. Aladdin and Akira. An anime kind of night.

The Full Moon ritual this month is pretty much wiped out. Dammit... I had such a good track record on it, too. It's not my fault that it got messed up, but still, I'm pissed in general.

The depression is lifting ever so slightly, but all that does in some ways is make me feel a little more out of control. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I know it's nothing what like cockatiel_art experiences. Still, it frightens me and fills me with despair that life ahead has anything in store for me but worsening distress, blackness, and eventually death by my own hand rather than face the emotional demons. Honestly? I don't want to pull myself back from this. I want it to be over. It feels like I have nothing left to give inside and like I want nothing more from the universe. Just oblivion, thank you -- no more feeling, no more thought, no more hope, no more input.

DBT skills... see above. What good are tools and weapons when you've lost the basic will to fight? I don't want to get better. I just want to stop feeling like this.

Comments

[eastpath.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I wish we could cut some bits out of your brain so you would stop feeling like that.... it wouldn't make you better but it would stop it... >.< Bleh... *more hugs*

[matrixrefugee.livejournal.com]

You described your depression as being a tiger circling you; Sieges got herself a pump-action shotgun the other night, and she wants to know if she can use it on the tiger? She was all set to go charging out to help you, but I pulled her back, warning her that it might spook you if you suddenly discovered this girl in a yellow flare trenchcoat, armed with a big gun, in your psyche.