![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(originally posted to Diaryland, 2003-11-10 - 5:16 p.m.)
Part 1: Despair and Hormones
Two days and counting to menstruation... I hope!
Had an impromptu chat session with MR last night in the AI RP PHUN thread " of the Future"... it helped me feel a bit better by taking my mind off of my own interior landscape for a couple of hours. Still, afterwards I was wracked with doubt: did I play well? God, I must have sucked... I suck at everything... I'm doing it all wrong... I'd be better off just packing up and leaving the game, and so would everyone else...
Bleh. Intellectually, I know it's only hormones, with a sucker-punch by the infection I'm taking antibiotics for. But in my heart, that's no help whatsoever -- I'm still down for the count.
I cried for about an hour last night (those slow, steady tears that come when you're lying in bed in the dark), which helped a little bit. It's only in the last three or so years that I've been able to give myself permission to cry as a means of releasing tension and pain, and it took a DBT course to teach it to me: take deep breaths, making them shudder, and the body's natural urge to weep will be allowed to flow.
Part 1: Roleplaying as Healing Psychodrama
Oddly enough, I'm finding that Joe's situation in the AI RP PHUN thread is providing a safe way to "externalize" some of the emotions that I find it almost impossible to approach otherwise. Although my take on his character today will probably change once the hormone flux is over, for the moment I find his own less-than-positive thoughts oddly cathartic.
Caught between three Orga addressing each other in various configurations of desire and frustration (Cecie, Frank, and Hal), Joe is aware that there will probably be no real place for him in the final analysis. He is not a unique individual: he is a JO-E27453. There were seventy-five thousand units in his production run, and even now, twenty years after the fact, there are still hundreds of Mecha out there identical to him in every respect -- not to mention all the younger models who are designed to do his job better.
Cecie says that she loves him, but as far as Joe is concerned she loves what he does for her, and what she THINKS he is -- not what he actually is, which she seems incapable of accepting. Hal, who does not love him, understands him, and therefore cannot hold him as a being of any real worth (he IS a Mecha, with all the traits listed in the previous paragraph). And Frank sees him as an obstacle in his rather gentle pursuit of Cecie, and would probably be happy if Joe disappeared from the equation altogether.
Just last night (game time), Joe had a flash of oracular insight that suggested to him that he might not "live" to see Cecie again, or go to Rennes with Hal. From his current point of view, that would not necessarily be a bad thing. (And regardless of how much the hormones are influencing my present understanding of Joe's inner world, I'd engineered a certain amount of world-weariness into his future character from the start, so that much will remain.)
Part 3: My Mantra
I just have to get through the next few days, hour by hour, minute by minute. Break things down into smaller and smaller tasks until they become something I can handle. Take cough and cold remedies -- and remember to breathe.
Part 1: Despair and Hormones
Two days and counting to menstruation... I hope!
Had an impromptu chat session with MR last night in the AI RP PHUN thread " of the Future"... it helped me feel a bit better by taking my mind off of my own interior landscape for a couple of hours. Still, afterwards I was wracked with doubt: did I play well? God, I must have sucked... I suck at everything... I'm doing it all wrong... I'd be better off just packing up and leaving the game, and so would everyone else...
Bleh. Intellectually, I know it's only hormones, with a sucker-punch by the infection I'm taking antibiotics for. But in my heart, that's no help whatsoever -- I'm still down for the count.
I cried for about an hour last night (those slow, steady tears that come when you're lying in bed in the dark), which helped a little bit. It's only in the last three or so years that I've been able to give myself permission to cry as a means of releasing tension and pain, and it took a DBT course to teach it to me: take deep breaths, making them shudder, and the body's natural urge to weep will be allowed to flow.
Part 1: Roleplaying as Healing Psychodrama
Oddly enough, I'm finding that Joe's situation in the AI RP PHUN thread is providing a safe way to "externalize" some of the emotions that I find it almost impossible to approach otherwise. Although my take on his character today will probably change once the hormone flux is over, for the moment I find his own less-than-positive thoughts oddly cathartic.
Caught between three Orga addressing each other in various configurations of desire and frustration (Cecie, Frank, and Hal), Joe is aware that there will probably be no real place for him in the final analysis. He is not a unique individual: he is a JO-E27453. There were seventy-five thousand units in his production run, and even now, twenty years after the fact, there are still hundreds of Mecha out there identical to him in every respect -- not to mention all the younger models who are designed to do his job better.
Cecie says that she loves him, but as far as Joe is concerned she loves what he does for her, and what she THINKS he is -- not what he actually is, which she seems incapable of accepting. Hal, who does not love him, understands him, and therefore cannot hold him as a being of any real worth (he IS a Mecha, with all the traits listed in the previous paragraph). And Frank sees him as an obstacle in his rather gentle pursuit of Cecie, and would probably be happy if Joe disappeared from the equation altogether.
Just last night (game time), Joe had a flash of oracular insight that suggested to him that he might not "live" to see Cecie again, or go to Rennes with Hal. From his current point of view, that would not necessarily be a bad thing. (And regardless of how much the hormones are influencing my present understanding of Joe's inner world, I'd engineered a certain amount of world-weariness into his future character from the start, so that much will remain.)
Part 3: My Mantra
I just have to get through the next few days, hour by hour, minute by minute. Break things down into smaller and smaller tasks until they become something I can handle. Take cough and cold remedies -- and remember to breathe.
