crowdog66 | (no subject)

I'm just about at the end of my rope.

I wasn't doing too bad a couple of hours ago. It had been one of those days when in spite of feeling incredibly wounded and broken, I'd actually done a good day's work and bought a begger some lunch at the local Coffee Time restaurant. But the deadline on Girl Genius is killing me -- I won't be sleeping much the next ten days, and feel horribly guilty about holding the publication schedule up this long. As usual, I've sabotaged myself very effectively. After this, I'll be lucky if the publishers will even take my calls (George thinks it's not at that point yet, but I have my doubts).

And now, in my inbox, I find a post from one of the essential people in the AI RP group saying that they're on the verge of quitting because of our erratic playing schedule. I honestly can't recall them saying that it was such a severe issue before, and am now officially in panic mode.

That's all I need, after killing my career with Girl Genius -- to drive the RP into the ground by mismanaging it. God, I hate being so ineffectual, so oblivious, so constantly stabbed in the back by my own flawed nature. Isn't there anything I can do to live rightly, even for one single day? How can I make the situation right? I can use the skills I learned in DBT, to discuss it and work something out... but...

I was talking to George about that the other night. About how tired I am, about how even though I know the coping skills I learned in DBT, I've pretty much lost the will to use them. When was the last time I felt genuine joy? Not recently... probably about 10 years ago, more or less. Everything is confused and tainted with the fear of taking my next breath and being an idiot all over again, every day, for the rest of my life.

I hate myself. Maybe it's just a bad patch. But I feel utterly useless and stupid right now.

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Sometimes I feel like that all the time.

And I know when I'm right in the middle of it all it feels like it will never ever get better and all the stress will kill me.

... but then I take it apart and realize there are external factors causing my feelings. Like PMS, or fear of rejection, or any number of other little things that makes me feel as if it will never get better.

I won't stand up and say this-or-that about what you are feeling because I can't say I know. But I do know similar feelings and I know that only one day at a time is all we can do.

I don't think you have wrecked anything at all, but I do realize that you feel that way because you are coming from that place of pain.

All we can do is our best, and realize that even one breath at a time is what we need to do to get through it.

I know that there is a shadow at the end of the tunnell so to speak and that the light got burned out, but we need to have faith that someone will replace the bulb soon so that we can find our way again.

*HUGEHUGS*

Here anytime you need. You can page me at 946-2000 by telling the operator code 2040 and your message. Or you may dial 932-9965 to leave me a personal voice mail, or your call back number.

You've been there for me, and I want to return the favour.

Thanks Eastpath. :-) You have always been a good and true friend to me, and there when I needed you most.

Reading your post helped bring me back to earth a little. Er... got any extra lightbulbs? ;-)

I'll give you all my lightbulbs if it'll help! ;)

If you want to do tea again this Wednesday I'll bring a few over. Or anytime really.

Maybe just hanging out helps?

Talk soon! *hugs*

Gosh... I guess that message of mine really stirred things up when I should have let well enough alone. I was already flustered when I read that message (rearranging furniture with my mother -- always a source of major eye-rolling on my part...), but reading that message, that we'd be delaying the game for various reasons, I just got even more out of sorts. I wish I had some kind of second sight: if I'd known the kind of trouble it would start, I wouldn't have posted it. But since I don't, I can't tell you how sorry I am. Now that I'm in my right mind again, I solemnly assure you, I am *not* going to leave the group.

If this doesn't cure me of answering messages when I'm upset, nothing will!

*nods* I'm not sure if you read my post to the AI RP mailing list yet... but it's cool. These things happen.

*shudder* The mere thought of rearranging MY mother's furniture makes my head ache. I'd be more than rolling my eyes -- I'd be pounding my head against the wall!

Just to eliminate any doubts on your part, MR -- I was headed for a crash anyway, in all likelihood. If it hadn't been your post, it would have been something else! ;-) Some days it takes the slightest thing to set it off...

when running a group, any group, it's murphy's law that there will always be someone that complains, no matter what you do. If you are working too hard, it's "who does s/he think s/he is?" or if you are more laid back, it's "What does s/he think s/he is doing?". In my experience, it's best to aim for a happy medium, you just can't please anyone. It's often the big complainers that aren't willing to step up to the plate with suggestions or help to make things better, either..the people make the group, not just the organizer.
I know it can make you feel really badly when people complain about a group you love and are working hard at, but it often just does happen no matter how hard you try or work..
I don't want to be plugging a group here, but one thing i find is helping me so far to cope with my GAD/depression is EA(emotions anonymous) meetings , for more info you can check out: http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/. It's not for everyone of course, i am just getting my feet wet in a group but am really liking it, and they have some good literature to. People from all walks of life and with all kinds of issues attend. Just a suggestion, feel free to email me privately if you want to talk.
Hang in there, you've been through a lot lately and it is only natural to feel overwhelmed!!

Ps. no offence to the person that wrote the apology, i didn't see your post first..and my experience was meant strictly in general. Rearranging a parent's furniture is enough to drive anyone to distraction! LOL

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Matrix Refugee Apologizes

Re: Matrix Refugee Apologizes

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