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(originally posted to Diaryland, 2003-11-12 - 8:21 p.m.)
Oh, God... my period has started, but the flow is so intensely heavy that it feels like my internal organs are being forceably emptied from my belly. It's time for nausea and cramping -- AND the emotional effects are hanging on. I feel like the most worthless piece of crap on the planet.
Hmm, that probably just pushed my journal rating (on the left) to an NC-17 right there.
The usual problems with interpersonal engagement are occuring... I feel angry in general and resentful of any slight, real or imagined... intensely jealous of the accomplishments of others, in a Salieri sort of way (knowing that they're geniuses while keenly aware of my own mediocrity)... a sincere desire to walk away from everything in my life that ever brought me pleasure, because it now causes me pain and it's "better for everyone else" in any case. The top of my brain knows that's bullshit (ding! moving up the rating...), but the bottom of my brain, where emotions come from, is just SO fucking (ding!) wracked with grief and despair.
I have no reason to be angry. I have no reason to want to tear myself apart. But I do. And I have to walk carefully, because otherwise I'm going to step right over the edge and let those emotions rule me. I have brief periods of relatively normal function, which in a way makes the rest of it all that much worse.
Oh, God... my period has started, but the flow is so intensely heavy that it feels like my internal organs are being forceably emptied from my belly. It's time for nausea and cramping -- AND the emotional effects are hanging on. I feel like the most worthless piece of crap on the planet.
Hmm, that probably just pushed my journal rating (on the left) to an NC-17 right there.
The usual problems with interpersonal engagement are occuring... I feel angry in general and resentful of any slight, real or imagined... intensely jealous of the accomplishments of others, in a Salieri sort of way (knowing that they're geniuses while keenly aware of my own mediocrity)... a sincere desire to walk away from everything in my life that ever brought me pleasure, because it now causes me pain and it's "better for everyone else" in any case. The top of my brain knows that's bullshit (ding! moving up the rating...), but the bottom of my brain, where emotions come from, is just SO fucking (ding!) wracked with grief and despair.
I have no reason to be angry. I have no reason to want to tear myself apart. But I do. And I have to walk carefully, because otherwise I'm going to step right over the edge and let those emotions rule me. I have brief periods of relatively normal function, which in a way makes the rest of it all that much worse.
