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Went out to lunch with Corey to Cafe 22, which is the restaurant wing of a local cheap-and-filling pizza delivery chain. Pictures here. Pepperoni and mushroom pizza and a Caesar salad... mmm.

I just got home, and my body is already starting to prompt me: Exercise? Are we exercising now? How about now? *laughs* Funny how that works. Five days ago, you practically had to apply a cattle prod to my nether regions to get me out of my chair. Now it's bounce bounce, look longingly at the step exercise equipment... which is a good thing.

On my way to the restaurant I stopped in at the Pack & Post just up the street to pick up a FedEx envelope they'd called me about yesterday. I expected to find a cheque from the HB parent company for a couple of covers I'd done for them. Oh, the covers were on there -- and so was $1100+ dollars for the last third of the last HB graphic novel.


I was pretty sure that I'd already been paid for the last third of said graphic novel.

So as soon as I got home I checked my paperwork, and sure enough... *sigh*. This means that I can't deposit the cheque for the amount I am owed and will have to wait a few more days for that amount. Unless, of course, the president of the HB parent company decides to let me keep the money as an advance payment for the first third of the next book.

I'm not getting my hopes up. And upon checking the cheque, I've noticed that it's actually made out to "(my name)/Pack & Post". D'oh. That's the kind of mistake that might make it impossible for me to cash the cheque at all.

EDITED TO ADD: Oh, and Foodfare had baron of beef roasts on for $2.89/lb. I picked up a five pounder. Later, there will be tasty meat!
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Good news or bad news? It depends on how you look at it.

Went to see my psych doc with George yesterday, and expressed to him that with each episode of high suicidality I feel that I am getting closer to actually killing myself. The doctor's response was that I must take responsibility for these feelings and medicate myself with "spot" meds if necessary (he approved a higher spot dosage of Seroquel and Diazepam), as well as getting myself to a hospital or calling a crisis intervention agency. While I KNOW that this is the case, what I really wanted from him was a "magic bullet" that would eliminate these feelings.

The doctor also reaffirmed his earlier statement that at this point, more/different medications is not a route he wants to follow. Instead he wrote me an actual prescription:

Exercise 30-45 minutes daily, 6 days a week.
Aim for target heart rate of 120-130 beats per minute for 20 minutes.

Yes -- drastically increased physical activity, which he suspects will improve my overall mood as well as my physical fitness, weight, and diabetes management. He suggested running, cycling, swimming, or step training as possible methods. *beats head against desk* Gahhhh... that was NOT what I expected to hear, and is a thought that fills me with dread.

On the other hand... at least it's something, and I expected that I might come out of this appointment with nothing at all.

On the OTHER hand... 30-45 minutes a day. High heart rate. George will have to drag me away afterwards, at least initially.

I'm trying to keep positive about this, but boy, is it hard.

Oh -- and today, the LaCie monitor on the G4, our main graphics machine, crapped out completely. I'm now working on a 17-inch monitor with a lower resolution, which gives me a lot less desktop space when working in Photoshop (which has many palettes). It never rains but it pours, lol... used the radical acceptance DBT skill a lot to cope with this unfortunate turn of events. I don't have to like the situation, I just have to accept it.

Tonight, the Witches Meetup get-together at the Second Cup. Tomorrow, DBT and the Full (Crescent?) Moon ritual here at my place. Thursday? Heh. I'll think about that on Wednesday.
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For some reason, I'm feeling somewhat panicky and off-balance today -- doubtful and jittery, sensitive to the point of not wanting to take a shower or leave the house. I've decided not to go to the DBT class this afternoon (yeah, I know, that's the LAST thing I should be avoiding when I'm feeling like this...), and can somewhat justify it based on the fact that I can use the time to get Hardy Boys pages done so I'll can go to the Take Back The Night march tomorrow evening with a somewhat clear conscience. Also, what they'll be covering in today's class is a set of skills I'm well-versed in and feel confident about (Opposite To Emotion Action and possibly Build MASTERy), so I don't feel that I'll be missing something essential by not attending.

Slept late today. I hate it when I do that, but sometimes the dreamy peace of sleep is just so damned seductive. That, and my dreams tend to be so involving for me, so addictive, that I can't pull myself out of them, in part because I really want to see what happens next, in part because of the heightend emotional states I experience when I'm in them. I'm one of those people who can have a complete dream during a 15-minute nap, so I haven't been able to time my alarm (based on the human sleep cycle) to wake me at a point when I'm NOT dreaming... it just doesn't seem to happen. Well. At least I'm physically well-rested.

I've been using the 10 lb handheld weights John brought quite a bit over the last few days, doing sets of 10 curls on each arm and 5 overhead lifts several times a day. I can already feel the effect this is having, and find it strangely energizing.
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Well, I did it -- got out and walked four whole blocks. Wheeeeee. Still, it's better than nothing by far, especially since I hauled home a heavy load of groceries over the last half of my trek.

I stopped for supper at Subway beforehand, where over a tuna sub I started looking through a book called Maytag Meals for Good Health: Low-Calorie Recipes with Meal Plans, by Karen Graham. Truth in advertising indeed: each meal comes in two sizes (large and small), each with calculated calories, carbs, protein, fat, and so forth, as well as life-sized pictures of the large meal options with inset pics of the small meal options so you have an exact idea of what you're getting. The first and second sections, Breakfasts and Lunches, contain dead-simple recipes (beans and toast, pancakes and bacon, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, etc), but they're broken down and presented in a way that's just... I don't know, friendly and easily accessible even to the seriously cooking-challenged like myself.

I came away from the book with a feeling of anticipation and hope. Maybe I can do this, even though sometimes the diet issue seems impossible and plunges me into despair. To put it into perspective, you must consider that for the vast majority of my life I lived as if the four food groups were frozen, canned, take-out, and delivery; I was brought up in a dysfunctional household where everything connected with mealtimes was intensely stressful and unpleasant, so I learned early that cooking was something to be avoided and the kitchen was a no-man's land. It's a bit late in life to change that attitude completely, yet that is exactly what I must somehow do.

I'm afraid. Seriously. Can the old dog really learn so many new tricks?

ETA: Good news on two other fronts. For one thing, the Ritalin on an increased dosage is lessening my appetite (no big surprise there). For another, I can now sit cross-legged on my chair when I'm at the computer painting. Yes, I've lost enough weight that crossing my legs relatively easily is possible for the first time in a couple of years. :-)
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October 2016

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